Validation and Progress

So many things have happened in the last two weeks.  Unfortunately, much of it isn't my story to tell.  How do I share all the things in my heart without violating someone else's confidence?  Let me just say I had the opportunity to be with someone as they processed some difficult things.  Many of these things validated much of what I am struggling with.  And I got to validate the other person, too.

Many more memories are coming back.  As they come, they are sometimes too much to handle.  And yet, I can't seem to let them go.  They run around in my mind, playing hide and seek.  I can tell they are there but can't really lock down their meaning.  It's tough when my adult brain tries to make sense of things that happened to me as a child -- things that didn't make sense then.  So much of it doesn't make sense now either.

I have had the opportunity to work on my therapeutic assignment.  I have worked up several alternate coping strategies, some of which can be painful.  I don't know if they will fill the void and make it so I don't hurt myself but we'll see.  I typed them up because when I am in that place I can't seem to think straight; even though I had all these plans I can't remember what any of them were.  This way, I can read what they were and try some.  I will list some of them in a future post.

I also found something that helps to quiet my mind sometimes.  When something starts to bother me and I realize it's something I need to discuss in therapy, I write it down.  I have a file on my computer where I type random thoughts, memories, connections.  Once I write them down, knowing that they are there when I am ready to deal with them, I am able to let them go and move on.  It seems to free me from them temporarily.  Mostly.

I also connected with several people on facebook late at night.  I don't think it's necessary that I have someone I can vent to and process with, just someone to connect to.  (Although I do have both kinds.)  I have written up a list of these people as well, so I don't have to try to remember when I can't think.

And I was blessed with an anxiety attack irrelevent to any emotion or memory.  I say blessed because experiencing it without emotion or memory meant that I was just dealing with the physical symptoms.  I was able to test one of my coping mechanisms at a lower state of aggitation.

When I have a panic attack, when I get really tense and start to shut down, the first place I feel it is in my shoulders.  I feel like there are hands on my shoulders and I need to shake them off.  To get away.  Even without memory connected to it.  It happened this time as well.

I was tempted to scratch, but the temptation wasn't overwhelming.  I was able to think clearly enough to remind myself to try my new strategies. 

So I got out my hand weights.  I worked my arms, especially through my shoulders, until it hurt.  I pushed through the point that I thought I couldn't go on until they were almost numb.  And it helped.  I felt better.  The tension relaxed.  The pain remained long enough to get me through the tough moments.  It distracted me for a bit, changed my focus. 

I don't know if it will work for a full-blown meltdown, but it helped me get through that moment in a healthy way.  I got the chance to practice in a less intense moment.

And any time I make progress, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

A Cry in the Dark

As far as I can tell, people find this blog most often through a Google search (or Yahoo, whatever).  And the most common phrase that brings them here is "my husband is mean" or some variation on that theme.  They are directed to my post My Husband is Mean to Me and the Kids.  I am so saddened by how many women are searching with that phrase.

Sometimes they write to me.  They tell me their stories.  They are heartbreaking.  These women are so lost and alone.  And scared.

Most of them comment anonymously. 

I understand.  It's a scary thing to admit that your husband is sometimes a monster.  It's hard to admit to yourself.  And maybe they worry that he will somehow find out that they've told someone else and it will invite danger.

But because they are anonymous, I can't respond.  And that breaks my heart.  I write this post to them.

I want to reach out.  I want to tell you I heard your pain.  I feel it.  It's real.  I want to tell you that you aren't crazy.  I want to tell you that I'm so sorry he hurt you.  That marriage isn't supposed to be like that.  That you deserve better.

I want to invite you to keep talking to me.  I want to tell you that I am a safe person to talk to.  I will listen.  I will hurt with you.  I will not betray you.  Everyone needs someone to talk to.  You aren't alone; I want to tell you that.

I want to offer support and validation.  Or just a listening heart.  When you reach out to me, I want to reach back.  I want you to know that you are heard.  That you matter.  That your pain matters.

Some of you may never feel safe enough to let me know who you are -- and that's okay.  Hopefully, you will read this and know that I carry your story with me.  Thank you for sharing it in whatever way you could.  May you find moments of peace to carry you through until you find the strength and support to find change.  Thank you for sharing your pain.

Therapeutic Assignment

So it's safe to say yesterday's session led to a rather massive meltdown, on a visceral level.

Through a wierd twist of fate, I was able to take advantage of a cancellation and get back in today.  Yeah, that was a good thing.  No more processing today.  Today was all about what happened yesterday and last night and preparing for more of the same (because this work will bring more emotional pain) by building some more/better coping mechanisms into my life.

One thing he wants me to do is connect with other people to have them help me through those dark moments.  I explained that it's tough to do at 2:00am.  He asked me to try to find a way.  I have a few friends on facebook that are night owls, so I am going to connect with them and just ask if they will stay available on chat when they are up late.  Then I need to make sure I stay logged into chat and take advantage of it.  He would like me to practice whenever I'm up late when I'm not in crisis.  That way, I'm more likely to take advantage of it when I am in crisis.  If anyone out there reading this would like to be my friend on facebook, who might be willing to help sometimes, let me know (send me an email or a facebook request -- Robin Reed Grosland).  I'm not asking anyone to stay up waiting for me to need help.  But the more people I have on call the more likely I'll find someone when I need them.

My other assignment is to come up with some more visceral coping strategies.  I have several logical/intellectual ones, but when I melt down I am not in the thinking part of my brain.  I need something that works when I bypass that part of my brain and am just looking for pain.  Basically, I need to find non-destructive ways to hurt myself.  That doesn't sound quite right, but that's what it is.  Deep tissue massage that hurts.  Exercise to the point of pain but not injury.  Going outside in the cold without a coat on to really feel the cold but not to the point of freezing.  So I am to find ways to address my need for physical pain in those moments that isn't damaging.  Suggestions are welcome.

I am in a better place, although I'm still fragile.  I have made some connections for support.  And we're going to take things a little slower in therapy.

On the bright side of the dark side, he says that all the emotional pain and the fact that I self-injured indicate we are on the right track.  We are not working on a decoy.  He's proud of the fact that I didn't hurt myself worse, even though I spent a lot of time pondering doing so.  And he's proud of me for telling him that I injured myself instead of hiding it.

I'd say I'm out of the cold, dark water but still shivering on the shore.  Luckily, there are people trying to warm me up and keep me safe.