Warning:

This blog could potentially contain triggers. Please make sure you are emotionally safe before continuing.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

A Place of Fear

Fear has been a common element in my life.  It's something I'm very familiar with.

And I usually know why I'm afraid.  But not always.

You see, when memories that have been lost to me start to return I feel the emotions long before I know the reason.  I am flooded with feelings and have no experience to connect them to.  And the primary emotion is usually fear.

I know different people have different ways that lost memories resurface.  It's not the same in every case for me either.  There are those times when it's a flash.  But they are rare.

When a memory starts to come back, and I become aware, I sometimes shut it back down.  Nope, I'm not ready for that right now.  And it goes away for a while.  But not for good.  The memory is there and it will not be silenced.

There are times in my life when I am more ready to deal with them than others.  If they surface during one of these times then I can do the work.  The really tough work.  I can let them come, examine them, process them, and let them be a part of me.

So a while back I awoke with fear.  Not fear from a nightmare or real life or anticipation of something impending.  This was a memory fear.  I don't know how to explain the difference but it is real and reconizable.

When I feel the fear, it is almost always most present in my shoulders.  They tense.  They become hypersensitive.  If someone touches my shoulders when I am in such a state it is likely to cause a panic attack.  An intense anxiety.  A desire to run.

Once the fear starts it rides with me.  It will sometimes slide to the background, but it is still there.  And it remains until I am ready to do the work.

I am carrying the fear with me now.  Waiting until it blossoms into what I need to see.  Waiting until my soul says I'm ready.

It is impossible to force it.  I can only prepare myself and wait.  In a place of fear.

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