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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My Husband's Feelings

I don't claim to know what he feels.  (Okay, sometimes I do; but just when we are arguing and he claims he isn't upset -- not here.)  But I would like to share what he has expressed.

If I were reading this blog, and someone else were writing it, I would wonder how the husband feels.  If he knows.  So I want to answer that question.

He does know.  He reads this blog and everything else I write and publish.  He knows I write about things from our past that are not pretty.

He supports me and is proud of me.

It's difficult for him to read sometimes.  He doesn't like remembering how ugly it was.  He doesn't like that he did those things.  I'm sure there is embarrassment, even though he hasn't said so.

But he also thinks it's incredibly brave.  He understands that it's important to talk about these things, to help others see.  Some of your comments have helped him see just how important it is, how it has touched your lives and helped you.

When I write something particularly offensive, like my last post, I talk to him first.  I do not ask permission; that would be going backwards.  That would be going back to when I was afraid to do something without his okay, when I was so worried about him and his feelings that mine didn't exist.  Or worried about making him angry.  Or representing him badly.

I tell him what I want to write about.  Then I ask him how he feels about it.  I tell him how I will approach it.  I ask if he is ready.  He shares any concerns he might have.  He tells me what he'd prefer I not share, which is usually what I wouldn't have shared anyway (you know, gory details).

And then I write as honestly as I can.  Before I publish I always look it over to see if I feel good about it.  If I feel I represented everything accurately.  If I stayed true to my promises to him.  Then I publish.

He does not read them before I post.

Then I immediately call or text him to let him know it's done.  I want him to read it so that he knows what others are reading.  So he knows exactly how it unfolded.  And, yes, I go into a little PTSD, worrying that I am in trouble until he signs off on it.  That's going to take some time to get over.

I feel that it's important to consider his wants and feelings as I do this.  I don't think it interferes with the process.  But I am working on my marriage and to just throw him under the bus would not help that.

I just wanted anyone reading this to know where he stands.  I have told him that if he ever wants to write a post here, he is welcome.  Writing isn't really his thing, so he doesn't think he will want to.  But the offer stands.

I hope this helps a few people understand a little better.


Nikke Brown said...

I think it's great that your husband supports you so you have a healthy way to get through the past.

DarthBillgr said...

I am Robin's husband and I approve this message. If I were to write a post it would be about this long. I don't have Robin's gift. You rock dear!!!

Day said...

I really love this post.

I think the story of people working together to overcome abusive patterns--while truly rejecting them, not just whitewashing to "save the family"--is under-represented, powerful, and important. And I love that you make a point of how you are still maintaining your boundaries, or (one way or another) you would just be going backwards.

I find that one, simple line, really striking--"He supports me and is proud of me." It says so much for him. I admire both of you for having the strength to be an example here.

Thank you for sharing.

Just Another Person said...

I let my wife know when I blog too. and she reads all of my posts. I send her Blog Alert text messages to let her know that there is a new one.

i bought a computer and now I can read your The Difficult Things site!!! cool!!! before with my cell phone, i couldnt

Patricia Singleton said...

It is such a relief to have my husband's support when I am writing on my blog so I know how you feel. Sometimes, my husband does play a part in the posts that I write because he is such an important part of my life. He loves me and gives me the safe space to do my recovery work. He is my sounding board. Sometimes he agrees and sometimes he disagrees with my interpretations of his actions and that is okay. He grows because of my growth. I grow because of his growth. That is a healthy relationship.

LisaDay said...

I can see why one would just click a rating reaction. There is so much to react, too. Having just found you on SITS, I don't know that history but I see this post and think there is honesty here and a committment to work it out.

Good luck.