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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Progress Not Perfection

I have to constantly remind myself that's the goal.  Progress, not perfection.  Because, man, do I get frustrated when I find myself in familiar territory.  Back in a place I hated that I worked hard to crawl out of.

I'm a mess right now.  Lots of things getting me down, not the least of which is my health.  I feel awful.  Almost all day every day.  The last week has been particularly bad.  So much pain and dizziness and blurry vision.  It's really hard to function.

I can't control that.  I get it.

But I keep thinking that I should be able to control the other stuff, the emotional stuff.  I've experienced it before and learned how to handle it.  So why, when it comes back, do I have no clue what to do.

The thing that has been particularly troublesome lately is my sensitivity to the emotions of others.  I knew I was off my game.  Then I found myself in several situations in a short period of time where other people were upset.  Intense negative emotions.  Sometimes directed at me, sometimes not.  Either way, I crumbled.  I froze.  I shut down.  I withdrew from life.

I am in a place where I feel like I have to justify all my decisions again.  As I state how I feel or what I want I am taking an emotional read on the people around me to make sure that what I say is okay with them.  I hate that!

I am hiding from people because they might ask something of me that I don't want to give and I won't have a good enough answer.  Any little bit of pushing with strong emotion can make me buckle under right now.  I feel so vulnerable and weak.  I hate that, too!

I hate that other people's emotions are ruling my life.  I hate that I can't remember how I got past this last time.

The only thing I'm happy about in this situation is that I noticed.  I guess that's progress.  And that's what I'm working toward.

If you're wondering why I put this on this blog instead of my main one, let me tell you.  It's about fear and self-protection.  Honestly, too many people who know me read my main blog and I worry that there may be people who would take advantage of my current vulnerability if they knew.


Pixie said...

Miss R, I was saying the same to myself yesterday: it doesn't matter how often I dip, I still cannot prepare myself for the moods and still do not know what to do when they come. You are not alone.

Listening and thinking of you x P

LisaDay said...

Sounds like progress to me. Good luck.


Running Circles said...

Sending lots of love and understanding your way Robin. Isn't it crazy how easily we forget what we've learned?

I wish you didn't have to put the walls up to protect yourself, but I truly understand that need. Defense mechanisms are difficult to change, but you are correct that recognizing is progress. Keep moving forward even if it's baby steps.

One thing that always helps me--is telling myself I've been here before and I've always come out. It has been a hundred times worse than this moment and I survived. Remind yourself of those moments where you found strength you didn't know you had.

Thank you for having the courage to share and take some time to take care of yourself. I don't know if this will help, but I believe it may be relevant.


Lisa said...

Ugh. Yes.

That's really all I have to say about that.

And sorry too. I wish I could help.

Bonnie said...

Wish I could say something useful. I sure know what you mean about "I hate that!" though. "Progress not perfection" is really hard when one is a perfectionist. It's why I don't do dishes. Wouldn't want to be translated or anything. ;)

Dona said...

I promise not to order crablegs (they were messy and took forever too eat, plus I got them all over the wall) and we don't have to go this month or next month, for that matter. Whenever you are ready to go, my friend.
(This is not me pressuring you. I am only putting it on both of your blogs so you know that I care.)

Linda said...

Better late than never with my comments :-)
You know Robin, it comes and it goes. I think I was sick when you wrote this and now, here I am on top of the world something like a week later. The best thing I've learned, and I know you know this, is that it comes and it goes and sometimes it so totally sucks and you just have to wait for it to go again.
I totally understand fear and wish I could help. All I can say is I understand the basics of what you are going through, and I've found I care a lot about you and hope the change comes sooner rather than later.
I would say big hugs to you Robin, but that is not me. However, take the gist of that and apply it please.
xxxxx big hugs--sorry couldn't resist

Pastor Sharon said...

I just wanted to give you a free hug, no strings attached.

This is a hard place to be in. I know it has been a couple weeks since you wrote this. However, I am just now catching up with my reading and writing of everyone's blog and my own.


charlotte_eriksson_ said...

First of all, you're blog is amazing, and I admire you for writing it. I really believe that there is a way for all of us to find a way to live and something to believe in. I found my way in music, and I've gotten a lot of letters from people telling me that they find comfort in my music, that they know that there are more people out there who feel these things, and struggle with those thoughts. Like I said, I admire you for writing this blog, and there are more people who lose track.
If you get a minute over, please listen to music at www.charlotteeriksson.com and tell me what you think!

I hope you like it,

the Glass Child, Charlotte Eriksson
I'm an organized mess. I can't sleep at night. I believe in dreams. I make misstakes and I mess up a lot. I'm having some trouble accepting myself. I want to be better and I'm afraid of not being good enough. I believe in the future, for I have seen yesterday, and I'm still alive . I laugh a lot, and I'm easily amused, but also easily bored, mostly with myself. I have trust issues. Every now and then I fall apart. I've been trying to grow up, but it's harder than you think. I might find out who I am, but never who I'm not. I dance in the rain, believe in fairytales, and when I really want something I can find a way to get it. I turn everything into a battle because I love the sound of winning. This is my way of saying, I did not come here to lose. I often lose track and find myself in the fall, but I believe it's in the fall you learn how to fly. I moved and left everything I had built for 19 years. I learned how to build my home in my music. When I sing, I'm not scared anymore. I want this to mean something. I believe in writing your own story, and that's what I'm doing here.
I'm just a glass child. I'm still creepy little me.


Rob-bear said...

We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. The sooner we recognize our imperfection, and our inability to control things, the better we are.
I think you're very courageous, Robin. Courageous in what you are learning and changing; courageous in sharing it with others. And if you need a safer space to share some of these ideas, that's good.
Blessings and Bear hugs.

Anonymous said...

Hey...came across your blog the same as most typing in a Google search of why is my husband mean to my kids and me...and I can tell you this is so heart opening (vs eye opening since certain things open and speak directly to our hearts I believe) that there are so many of "us" out here literally "googling" for help bc we are lost and scared for ourselves and especially our children! I hope I can get to a place where I can write about it without fearing he will find my thoughts...my husband follows me and everything I do, has a tracker on my car etc and I live in constant fear of his anger. Like most here, he hasn't really hit me (although some instances have been close like grabbing me or pushing) but most of the time I wish he just would since i could see that heal...the years of emotional and verbal abuse have left open wounds & scars far worse I can assure you and I feel sure most would agree with this unfortunately. It makes me happy to see someone that is able to write or talk to others since it gives me hope that i can some day...but right now and for the past 15 years I have completely hidden this from everyone bc I feel that it is a bother and would just make people worry or feel sorry for me which I don't want. I am a successful business woman that most see as put together and the "can do it all" type but this couldn't be further from the truth. I find any way i can to escape but just can't seem to succeed. What hurts me the most is that my kids are getting older and I know this all affects them so much and will ultimately determine the way they view marriage and life as "normal" and this literally breaks my heart. Sometimes I honestly feel they would be better off without me since then they wouldn't have to see how he treats me...and could form their own idea of what a marriage should be. ..a good one. I wanted to ask if you are still writing since this blog is dated some? Just curious. ..please let me know. Thanks.