Warning:

This blog could potentially contain triggers. Please make sure you are emotionally safe before continuing.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Progress Not Perfection

I have to constantly remind myself that's the goal.  Progress, not perfection.  Because, man, do I get frustrated when I find myself in familiar territory.  Back in a place I hated that I worked hard to crawl out of.

I'm a mess right now.  Lots of things getting me down, not the least of which is my health.  I feel awful.  Almost all day every day.  The last week has been particularly bad.  So much pain and dizziness and blurry vision.  It's really hard to function.

I can't control that.  I get it.

But I keep thinking that I should be able to control the other stuff, the emotional stuff.  I've experienced it before and learned how to handle it.  So why, when it comes back, do I have no clue what to do.

The thing that has been particularly troublesome lately is my sensitivity to the emotions of others.  I knew I was off my game.  Then I found myself in several situations in a short period of time where other people were upset.  Intense negative emotions.  Sometimes directed at me, sometimes not.  Either way, I crumbled.  I froze.  I shut down.  I withdrew from life.

I am in a place where I feel like I have to justify all my decisions again.  As I state how I feel or what I want I am taking an emotional read on the people around me to make sure that what I say is okay with them.  I hate that!

I am hiding from people because they might ask something of me that I don't want to give and I won't have a good enough answer.  Any little bit of pushing with strong emotion can make me buckle under right now.  I feel so vulnerable and weak.  I hate that, too!

I hate that other people's emotions are ruling my life.  I hate that I can't remember how I got past this last time.

The only thing I'm happy about in this situation is that I noticed.  I guess that's progress.  And that's what I'm working toward.

If you're wondering why I put this on this blog instead of my main one, let me tell you.  It's about fear and self-protection.  Honestly, too many people who know me read my main blog and I worry that there may be people who would take advantage of my current vulnerability if they knew.