Warning:

This blog could potentially contain triggers. Please make sure you are emotionally safe before continuing.

Monday, February 27, 2012

A Cry in the Dark

As far as I can tell, people find this blog most often through a Google search (or Yahoo, whatever).  And the most common phrase that brings them here is "my husband is mean" or some variation on that theme.  They are directed to my post My Husband is Mean to Me and the Kids.  I am so saddened by how many women are searching with that phrase.

Sometimes they write to me.  They tell me their stories.  They are heartbreaking.  These women are so lost and alone.  And scared.

Most of them comment anonymously. 

I understand.  It's a scary thing to admit that your husband is sometimes a monster.  It's hard to admit to yourself.  And maybe they worry that he will somehow find out that they've told someone else and it will invite danger.

But because they are anonymous, I can't respond.  And that breaks my heart.  I write this post to them.

I want to reach out.  I want to tell you I heard your pain.  I feel it.  It's real.  I want to tell you that you aren't crazy.  I want to tell you that I'm so sorry he hurt you.  That marriage isn't supposed to be like that.  That you deserve better.

I want to invite you to keep talking to me.  I want to tell you that I am a safe person to talk to.  I will listen.  I will hurt with you.  I will not betray you.  Everyone needs someone to talk to.  You aren't alone; I want to tell you that.

I want to offer support and validation.  Or just a listening heart.  When you reach out to me, I want to reach back.  I want you to know that you are heard.  That you matter.  That your pain matters.

Some of you may never feel safe enough to let me know who you are -- and that's okay.  Hopefully, you will read this and know that I carry your story with me.  Thank you for sharing it in whatever way you could.  May you find moments of peace to carry you through until you find the strength and support to find change.  Thank you for sharing your pain.

If you think you don't have any options, please read What are My Options When My Husband is Mean?

44 comments:

Lyn said...

Sorry! Didn't proofread my last comment, and you know how OCD I am about errors. :)

This is a great post, Robin! There are SO MANY people out there who are in abusive relationships and have no where to turn. Your offer to be a source of support just shows what a huge heart you have.

There is an on-line forum that I am a member of that is completely anonymous and free of charge that is strictly peer support for anyone who has been or is being abused. The caring people on this board and the information there saved my life. It's called Our Place. Here's the URL to their forum: http://forums.our-place-online.net/

You have so much courage to write about your experience with abuse in such a public way. I am positive that it is helping far more people than you realize.

Lyn

Rubye Jack said...

You go girl! I admire you so much.

Hillary63 said...

Yours is such a compassionate heart. Choosing to love instead of hate, bless you.

HaveFaith said...

Yep, that's how I found your amazing Blog. Typing in "My Husband is Mean" hoping to find a "mean husband cure" lol Just by talking to my girl friends and by reading your blog helps me get threw those day's when he can be so cruel. Thank you!

Stephi said...

This may sound slightly negative and please don't take offense, but I have been seriously put off marriage because of the amount of the women that have this problem. I can't even count on one hand the amount of marriages I know of that are truly happy and healthy. My mother is one of those women...never mind the abuse my Dad put me through...he has been unbelievably mean to her, she has told me she didn't think it was possible for a person to hurt her as much as he has. They have been married for nearly 31 years and there have been some good times but in my opinion he was one of the worst things that ever happened to her. Not a good feeling when I know that my sister and I would never have walked this earth if they hadn't.

Ann said...

I could relate to nearly everything you wrote in your blog about your mean husband. What does someone do if they feel stuck because they are financially bound to this person and have 3 children depending on the income? He has threatened to ruin me financially if I attempt to go for custody of the children if we divorce. I truly believe he would let his own children suffer because he is so selfish and he knows he can get to me by cutting off the funds since I only work part-time (he makes fun of my work and the income I pull in). He does not show true deep feelings for people. He doesn't keep in touch with his family, has no close friends, those he has had in the past he doesn't contact anymore. He doesn't even act happy to see his children at the end of the day and largely ignores them if I don't get on him about trying to establish a relationship with them. He even admits that no one will probably go to his funeral when he dies. He doesn't sound remorseful or like he cares if anyone likes him. He contacts people when they serve a purpose - entertain him for a night, borrow something of theirs, provide a contact for a business deal. I don't know what to do. I told him that we both deserve to be happy and that we apparently cannot provide happiness for each other but he won't file for divorce and if I do, he will ruin me. We have been together 21 years and haven't gotten along for the majority of it; I am always making excuses as to why. He is tired because of his job; he is stressed because of his job; he acts like he does because he didn't have a good role model and needs to learn; he is German so he is not open with his feelings, etc. I am tired; the kids are insecure and we all deserve better.

Where do we go from here?

Anonymous said...

I have similar situation my husband sounds a lot like yours. Could be his problem not yours. I try to stop looking for my husband to fulfill my emotional needs. I do not think any man is in touch emotionally. I just stayed with my husband for the kids. We ve been married five years. Three kids fourth one on the way. I know we have some ok times but when it gets bad to me it's really bad because there are threats and stuff. So just try to read whAt makes u happy and try to do your most to make him happy. Then do something daily exercise and spiritual for you r soul. That's all I know pamper yourself with anything availAble to the greatest degree. Ok peace

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your blog. It's such a comfort to know that I'm not going through this alone.

Anonymous said...

I needed this so much. Thank you. And, in fact, I copied and pasted a link to my husband, and it stopped him dead in his tracks. The color drained out of his face. I don't think he knew exactly what he was doing to me, or that it had a name--emotional abuse. Like many other women, I just googled, "my husband is mean to me," in hopes that there might be an answer floating out there. I found it in your blog. The fact that I could never put my finger on what it was EXACTLY that he was doing drove me craaaazy. Because he'd ask, "what do you mean? what am i doing? what are you talking about? see, you're the one who's upset, not me." And we go around in circles like this: he'd deny that anything was wrong or that he was treating me poorly while glaring at me, snapping at me, ignoring me, refusing to have anything to do with me when he got home, just, in general, treating me very poorly for no apparent reason.
Thank you for your courage.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could leave but I haven't any better options and Im still attached. ..though I don't want to be. As soon as I think on leaving I start to feel as if it wasn't so bad.

Tonight our recliner was up against the stairs railing and he flopped down on it too jard and broke one od the pillars to it. He was furious and yelled about the chair being too close to it.

And just now mu 1 yr spilt yea all over my new keyboard. He hasn't seen yet but I am dreading when he does.

Anonymous said...

What 8 hate more than him abusing my kids with Hate talk...is that ive started adopting his behavior. Im so ashamed I wanna kill myself.

Anonymous said...

My husband is very up and down. When things are good they are good but when bad they are bad. Two days ago was his birthday. We found out we were pregnant. Well yesterday my levels went down and dr called me to tell me I'm miscarrying. My husband got mad at me yesterday for me not handling my son right in a certain situation. We are a blended family. Well he has not talked to me since two hours after finding out we are miscarrying. I cried all night. I feel alone, deserted and that I cannot believe I am married to someone that won't even have anything to do with me while I'm miscarrying our baby. What do I do. I'm so sad, list emotional.

Fierce Pixie said...

I'm not sure if you are still reading comments here or not. Thanks for blogging about this. Your life sounds pretty much exactly like mine. I've tried to get out several times, but I can never quite make it financially. It's so hard on the kids, which makes it all even more hard on me.

Anonymous said...

YOU ALL DO IT FOR THE KIDS ...I DID ! I'M OKAY HAPPY ..I MADE IT ! FOUND SOMEONE SO DIFFRENT !
STOP MAKING EXCUSES ...IT WILL BE HARD BUT IT GETS EASIER!
ITS WORST TO HAVE KIDS SEE ALL THAT!

Anonymous said...

i too know exactly what it feels like to have an abusive husband
mine has 3 assault charges, all of which are my fault, according to him, last night could have easily been four, but he will go to jail, and i need him finacially

Anonymous said...

Wow, this is MY life. I really thought I was the only one. My husband has company over to our house a lot. He is okay when his friends are here, not super nice, but okay. I will often be the butt of his jokes but it is funny, and they laugh. When they leave he is a completely different person. He is cold and angry. like you said, it feels like anger radiates off of him. everything I do is wrong: the way I present myself, what I wear, I am no fun, I am a prude, what I cook and how I cook it, the way I discipline our children. he has nothing to do with our boys. he acts like they are a burden. and my only purpose in this relationship is to cook, clean, take care of kids, pay bills and most importantly - to have.sex with him. If I do not have sex with him at least every other day the.abuse gets even worse. it is to the point that I am not allowed to speak unless he asks me a question and I better answer yes, or no - nothing more. everyone tells me how lucky I am to have such a kind and loving guy because all they see is what he presents when they are here and what he puts on facebook. but it is all fake. I know neighbors can hear him yelling, god he is so loud, but no one ever says anything. he is always with his friends. I don't have any friends because he moved us an hour away from my hometown and has me so busy it is impossible to keep up with anyone. if I want to go shopping alone or spend an evening with a friend I have to find a babysitter. he can't stand our children, the man who told me he wants 10 of them and that mom's shouldn't work. well, I have worked since day one! I had to go back to work 4 days after the birth of our first son so we could pay the bills. he has taken on extra jobs but I never see the money. he blows it. he even has his own checking account I know nothing about, what bank, how much money, nothing....I did get close to one person, his sister. he doesn't like that and talks crap about her all the time. he even accused me of having an affair with her! His sister! Now I absolutely no one. this is the most lost I have ever felt.

Anonymous said...

I'm sitting in a park right now after midnight crying my eyeballs out because my husband is so mentally abusive and he doesn't get it and I don't know what to do it anymore

Anonymous said...

Hey there, I feel you, I'm crying in my garage right now because my husband is so mean and belligerent. And the worst part is how he tells me I am the one with the problem and that I'm crazy. I too, don't know what to do anymore. Oh, and my husband has sex with me maybe every 6 months. In fighting he has told me he wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. Nice,huh??

Anonymous said...

My husband has me so confused that I sometimes wonder if I am really the bad person. We walk on eggshells at my house to. I have a 17 year old and a 12 year old. My husband has cheated on me and left serveral times. My kids nor I can do anything right. You never know when he is going to blow up.My husband has recently moved out because my daughter didnt try out for volleyball and my son didnt change his english class to honors. He said that was the last draw. All I had to do is 2 things this week and I couldnt do that. He is not going to deal with all the drama with the kids anymore. He is not going be the blame for there failures. He doesnt want to see them or even talk about them. He has not seen them for 2 1/2 months. He wants the relationship with me because he said that him and I are good. I just dont know what to think. I love him and I dont want to be without him. My son is fine with him being gone. My daughter mentions him sometimes.I am at a loss.

Anonymous said...

I am happy, and also sad at finding a home for my words and the pain inside. I too wish I had a bruise to show the world because my husband presents a wonderful, church-going, worship team front that I know people would doubt the truth of his being abusive. He is a master at twisting and manipulating the truth. I am a fun-loving, outgoing person. I never dreamed a person could be so skilled at completely crushing my spirit...and making me feel like its all my fault! It has only gotten worse over the years. 21 years into the marriage and I am SO done. I won't go into detail, just check pretty much every box under "abusive". I went back to school with his "permission", yet he never let me forget how HE wanted to go to college. But now I have a job, and medical insurance, and a plan. When our youngest graduates from high school in four years I will have saved up a large secret stash. And barring a miracle (which I still pray for), and if counseling fails (again, because he says I'm the one who needs the counseling), I will file for legal separation and move out. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he realizes I'm not kidding. I'm soooooo done.

Teresa said...

After 14 years of living in a hellish marriage, I finally decided to protect my children and myself. Three weeks he was served with divorce papers. He is so mean . . .and I want my children to know that the way we were living is not normal.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your posts. I, too, found your blog while searching what to do when your husband is mean. I'm still in this marriage & honestly don't know what to do at this point. We have 3 beautiful children, but it's just as you said...how he interacts with us at home is completely different than how he presents to the outside world. It's such an awkward situation & I feel as though I can't talk to anyone about it. I had confided in my sister in the past, but that came back to bite me when she & he butted heads one evening. Now there us such strain between him & my sister. It's exactly as you said, though, I an walking on egg shells 24/7 & so are the kids. What's worse is that I have found myself yelling at the kids if they do something that I know is going to make him angry! He twists my words all the time & he doesn't allow me to go out with friends or even my sisters. If I do go out then I hear about out for months...sometimes years after! I just don't know what to do. He had even admitted to me that he knows he has anger issues, but said he's never going to change. Thank you for validating that I'm not alone.

Tired said...

I just found this Blog. I wake up every morning not knowing how "HE" is going to wake up. Will it be good or bad. Most mornings I say very little because it is easier. It is easier because I never know how what I say willbe taken. Do I try and make small talk or do I just go about getting ready. Either way I feel liek I am doing something wrong. Just this morning my day started by getting out of bed to start my day. He was already in the shower but getting out. I asked him" do the dogs need tobe let out?" His response was "NO" and a sarcastic "Good Morning". I guess Iwas supposed to say that before I asked if the dogs needed to be let out.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am sitting wondering what it was exactly this evening that I said wrong to warrant my husband's "you don't support me" comment and then him shaking his head and telling me he is disappointed in me....again...like I am a child. I'm not sure it's abuse. He doesn't hit me or the kids. Everyone thinks he is so laid back and he is so nice to everyone else but not to me. Sometimes it's great but mostly its dire. I have two daughters. He is a good dad but a rubbish husband. He blames me for everything, critisises me constantly, nothing is ever good enough. He micro manages me. My cooking is not good enough. If the house isn't perfect he is in a mood. He can't handle stress and takes it out on me if he has a bad day. He doesn't like my family anymore and goes in a mood when they visit. I am not allowed an opinion. It's always inferior to his. I am only here because of the kids. They would miss him so much. But I long to be with someone who cares about me or even just on my own. I don't confide in my family or friends because I just don't think they would believe its anything more than the usual marital arguments. He also says things and then denies he says them or I tell him something important and then he tells me later angrily that I didn't tell him. He sleeps in both days of every weekend since the girls were born. I am tired of it. I wish he would have an affair so I had a reason to leave that the kids would forgive me for when they are older. Good luck to you and everyone in similar positions.

LS said...

This is so uncomfortably amazing. I typed "how to pray when my husband is mean". This blog is what I found. To actually see the author of this blog; layout words of my life as if I had dictated them to her makes my spirit cry. How did this happen; was I disobedient to God when He showed me these characteristics of my husband's behavior? Was I so in love with being in love and married that I dismissed the signs and just assumed if I gave him my respect and love him; and gave this marriage my all he would change? That's exactly what I did. Now years later I am miserable, broken, and weary. While I searched for prayers;I don't even have the energy to pray for change. I feel like the children of Israel in that I feel that God has turned his back on me for my disobedience. I am in school and do not work anymore. My husband assured me when I began; that he would take care of everything and that all I needed to do was focus on my studies, because he understood that this would be so beneficial to our family. That was a lie; he ridicules me for not having an income and becomes livid every time I buy groceries utilizing the long list that he requested. He too will say something and then days or week later; say that he never said such a thing and that I am trying to be a man and walk over him. He will read his bible everyday and pray. However; he only knows how to read the surface; he obliviously fails in asking God to give him clarity on the words that he is reading. The bible is not a story book; but an applicable manual of wisdom, love and honor. It would appear that if he did; he would be a better steward over the matters of his life. He needs respect and I need love. Yet how can one continue to sow into unfertile soil? How can I continue to give and not only never receive; but constantly emotionally beaten?

Anonymous said...

I'm reading your posts and I feel your pain because my partner is the same, and lately I've been wishing bad things to happen to him and that is not me. He blames me for isolating him from his family. He has made the decision not to see them yet every fight he blames me. He constantly calls me names tells me I can't admit I'm wrong verbally attacks me when he is having a bad day. I am at my whits end. I find it very difficult to go and get my hair done etc we have a three year old daughter and he takes very little responsibility for her. I work full time I cannot get free time to excerise. He is only happy when his needs are being fulfilled. He doesn't care for me. I am so sad I have already moved my daughter once I don't want to move her again. There is so much more I want to say but even saying this over I feel a bit of relief

Anonymous said...

My husband talks nicer to our dogs than me. I can't do anything that suits him.

Anonymous said...

I found your post after searching through google for someone who feels the same. Quotes that could express what i struggle to put into words. Tonight is another night of silent treatment for me. I put the kids to bed alone. They asked if dad was going to come in and kiss them goodnight then stay in their room til they fell asleep like he does on the good nights. I said "he will come in when he can, i think he already fell asleep." I lied but something they easily believed because he has locked himself in the room for a good 2 hours. Tonight the stupidest thing set him off. When he gets home from work he can either bring the stress into the home or leave it. Tonight started off good. We all got the vibes that dad was in a good mood so we felt the all clear to be goofy, talk, ask questions. But while helping my son search got his game he accidentally turned off the tv. Our broken tv that literally takes hours to turn on. He takes it out on the kids. Yells at them to clean their room or everything will get broken by him. They know to stay silent and just do it quickly so they don't feel the wrath of dad's words. I quickly step in and stand guard while hoping they don't say something wrong to set their dad off more. Whispering at them to hurry and dont fight.
What makes things worse is this weekend was one of the best weekends we have had in months. We all got along. Dad was happy and smiling which let us be carefree, happy and just enjoy. My husband looked so attractive to me. Watching him play with our sons and watching him smile. It was he first time in months i felt like i wanted him. I felt like i wanted to put in the effort to pursue him after the kids went to bed. It was the first time in months he touched me. First time in months he kissed me with tongue. First time in months i felt like he wanted me. Today i wanted to repeat it. I wanted to make love like we did last night. It was the first time in forever i felt the love.
But then he goes and let's anger get the best of him. And like that its gone. The feeling is gone. I don't want him. He looks so ugly to me. I feel stupid for even expecting him to want me the way i wanted him. My kids feel hurt, i can see it in their eyes. They didn't do anything wrong to deserve such negative feelings. This is a constant cycle. A never ending struggle.

Anonymous said...

Please help! So hurt inside but hide it. Everything I do or say my husband just criticizes. Why? I try not to ask for nothing but a Happy home.

Anonymous said...

What do you do if you know he is physically hurt and unable to care for his own children and if you leave their lives as well as his will be horrible? My husband blames all his behavior on his medical issues but sometimes I feel like even when he is healed it won't be better. I love his children like my own but how much more do I put my own children through?

vj_mama said...

So, I have two cats, a hamster, a four year old boy, and this blog. As sad as that sounds, it makes me feel less isolated and strangely comforted. I'm so tired of being attacked emotionally.

Anonymous said...

I hear yah. It really didn't help. My husband has hated me for many years. We go in cycles. Good for a short time then he gets mad for something small. It always escalates demands apology belittles me. Seems it's over after I beg for forgiveness. Seems like he has accomplished something when he has completely broken me. I no longer am foolish enough to think it will never happen again. It does and cycle continues

Anonymous said...

It's been too many years of his moods cycling from good to bad, the yelling and swearing, no name-calling but ridiculing how I'm doing things. I wonder how an intelligent woman like myself got into this mess. But I realize he reminded me of my first family and opened up old wounds that needed healing. Also his good side can be quite endearing. And now I am financially dependent due to some health issues. There's a possible job position in the near future that might give us the opportunity, and/or make it necessary to live apart much of the time. I'm considering it.

Anonymous said...

It is a good thing there are forums like this and caring people like all of you! It does help in feeling less isolated. For family, I only have a mother that I confide in. She's a good listener but has only expressed anger at the situation once in many years. And I wonder if that lack of reaction is emotionally abusive in itself. All advice welcome.

Anonymous said...

How do you get out? Mine says a lie detector test will make everything change. i know 200% I will pass as I have never ever cheated but sadly I know the abuse will continue. I have a 3 months old a 7 year old and I feel trapped and stupid for not leaving. What the heck is wrong with me?

Anonymous said...

I googled" I have a mean husband and came to this site." I had wondered if this was abuse but I never could pin point it. I have been going through this for over 28 years. I have made the mistake of making my kids behave so Daddy wouldn't get cranky. My son loves me but can't wait to leave the house because his dad is always so hard on him. My son is loved and admired by everyone. He's truly a great kid. I think my husband hates that we are have a good relationship and he might be jealous of our son too. It breaks my heart to see my son emotionally hurt by his dad. My husband is a bad role model by drinking and being very sarcastic. He rarely goes to church with us and when he does he is perfect to us for about a day. Then it all starts again. He hates his job, his family, the house is a mess, the yard is a mess, if I (me) would lose some weight (like he should talk). I used to think if I was in better shape he would like me more. I doubt it. Most think I am very pretty and thin. I have that mid 40's tummy but that is all. I quit work in May to finish my associates with a guarantee of a job but after I didn't pass my coding test I couldn't take the job. So I was out of work for 6 weeks, picking up part time cleaning jobs. I am now working but because I don't make as much as he thought I should he guilts me about that. I don't win. He got mad at me this weekend for taking care of my daughter after her baby's birth. Said I was there too long. I attend all my sons games but my husband only comes when he feels like it and then leaves early. He says he hates baseball. I said its not about the game but being there to watch your kid and support him.I see no problem in loving my kids. He thinks I am smothering. The kids want me there so I think it's the right thing. I am so sad. If I didn't have my kids and new grand baby I would probably run away. But I won't. I am a Christian and believe in family, church, and the Bible. I know divorce is wrong but I just don't know how this can get better. I pray he will change. I am starting to think if he doesn't by Oct 1st I will go. But I think I need to save some money first. I have tried to tell a few friends and my one friend is supportive but I know she can only listen. The other is family and his step dad was going to talk to my husband but I said wait because I was afraid of the fall out. I appreciate I can tell you all this. Most people think our family is perfect but we are far from it. I am tired of being told F.. You and throwing away beer cans. I am tired of never being held or kissed. I am tired of being treated like everything is my fault. I wish Jesus would return so I can be out of this pain. I don't know what to do. It's been such a hard year with my mom dying very tragically and then I had a big scare with cancer. I just want peace and my husband will never let me have it. So much yelling, complaining, and isolation. Blessings to you all who are hurting. I will pray for you.

Daniqua Landry said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I am truly saddened to see how many women are hurting but It helps to know we are not alone.
The thing that gets me is my husband is a wonderful, funny, loving provider who goes above and beyond when it comes to house chores and raising our 2 year old daughter. But then theres the otherside the ugly side thats easily angered and irritated whether it be by noises or movement etc. And the cruelty, the angrey looks of hatred, the name calling the threats, inceasive need to know everything thats going on ( when, where, why, who) obsession with time and deadlines.
It hurts my heart because i am a good person and i try my best to be perfect for him cause i dont want to hear or deal with the disappointment and ridicule.
i hate it the most when hes mean to me then blames it in me but then trys to make it "all better" with a hug and a kiss and the odd sorry. I guess i should appreciate the attenpt but i've gotten to the point where it mesns nothing and i just go through the motions and move on so the whole ordeal can just be over. Seems sad to live this way its like as GREAT as our life can be it gets soooo bad at times that all the good gets tainted and cancelled out. Now i can see its affecting our daughter and somehow its my fault, i know we cant keep living like this, i know i cant for my daughters sake.
I finally booked our initial couples councelling appointment and plan on following through. No matter what the out come at least i can say is tried.
Good luck ladies and i send all my love and prayers that you too may find your strength and solution.

Anonymous said...

It is so helpful to read these stories. My husband is not violent at all. He is just extremely self centered and selfish. We both work full time and I have a part time job, too. Somehow all the dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking and child care falls on me. He goes to the gym three nights a week and sleeps all day Sunday because he has a physical job. Unfortunately nothing is ever good enough...he complains about clutter, etc even though he does nothing in the house. I go to bed at midnight every night, trying to keep up...then work all day. On Christmas Eve I was alone in the kitchen and asked him if he would come have a drink with me. No, he said, I want to watch a movie. I'm wondering what is the point of being married to someone who treats you like a house servant, then complains you are never in bed early enough for sex?!

Molly Geier said...

I'm so lost idfk what to do anymore
I stumbled upon this today and I'm
Bawling my eyes out reading it
8 years and echoing through my head -
MY PAIN MATTERS !
It matters doesn't it?! It HAS to matter !

Anonymous said...

My husband and I are retired. Both 62 yes old but this man has been abusive for years. The funny thing is when we were dating he was Mr Nice. Always opening doors for me saying nice things THEN when we got married all that changed. Hardly spent anytime with the kids. I did all the pic ups and so forth with the kids (sports and school stuff).Just didn't have any interest in what they were doing. His loss. My grown kids say he is a asshole. It is amazing what mean / cutting things these people say to us and they just don't care about your feelings at all. I'm so sorry I married him. Tried to get him to go to counciling but won't saying I'm the one that has the problem. Classic huh? I really hate him now. I'm sure he must feel that. He has chosen to let his hair grow out. He looks like bozo the clown and has lost enough weight that he can get into his highschool size jeans. What is this all about? We do have seperate rooms. I don't see the importance of having any type of relations with him. Gee whiz...anything else I can do for you before u start belittling me again! I wish he would find another victim and move out. But he won't even do that. Silent treatment is my only refuge. He will scream obscenities and rant and rave and finally if I continue to ignore him he will try and act nice SERIOUSLY. Is he crazy? Of course it doesn't work for him so we go back to round one. I'm sorry to see so many of us in this situation and worse. Hopefully we can fine some comfort in knowing we have each other and maybe we can help each other with this forum.

Amanda60302 said...

I don't know for sure why I am writing or if I should be at all...I don't know if maybe I'm crazy and really my troubles and sorrows are all the result of really taking things to seriously or being overly dramatic..but I'm afraid, I'm afraid of my husband I'm afraid I'm going insane. I'm afraid to breath, to cry or think. My mind is numb my thoughts tired and looping from the same thought to the same next thought looping in endless circles and always ending when I become to exhausted to think anymore and shut down moving into auto pilot to relieve the tired. I'm terrified and feel like since both of my parents have passed that I'm truly in every sense of the word alone.

Michelle Bunton said...

Hi Robin, sigh. I don't even know how to express my sadness and relief at the same time that someone (or rather a lot ofor someones) has gone through what I am experiencing. I have been with my husband for nearly 22 years total. 8 years of dating first never gave me insight as to how marriage would unfold with him. My heart breaksurgery for him because I know his is in a place of hurt...but he takes his frustrations out on only me and our 4 children. He has often said he wishes he had never had kids, which rips me appart...the oldest 2 often want to escape the house at any given time and beg me just to bring them to the store so they can just relax. He is ruining his once loving relationship with them on a daily basis.

Over the past year, he and I have made many strides and I felt as though we were on our way to a stronger family, but as you mentioned we can have a month or 2 of amamzing...then it is all gone and we are all walking on eggshells wondering what we have done to pissed him off.

My question is this...how did you convince him to go to counseling? I have begged...to no avail. I feel so trapped...I hate leaving the house by myself because I know he is nasty to the kids when I leave and our insurance stinks to put it mildly. So even though I know I could use counseling...I feel as though it is way more important for him to start first.

Hopefully you still read your replies. I am eager to hear your advice. Your columns speak to my soul and give me hope. Thank you so much for sharing your pain and hurt.

Michelle

Anonymous said...

I've finally come to realize the abuse. But now what? If I leave, he will continue to abuse the children when he has shared custody. If I stay, I'm giving them a bad example of a marriage or how to be a parent. He has refused counseling and feels nothing is wrong

Anonymous said...

I, like so many others and over the past 7 years, got to this site by Googling "When you have a mean husband".
I have read all these testimonies and have shed tears because I can relate to so many scenarios and feelings.
My husband is a Christian man and a loving dad to our daughter. He would do anything for us and he goes above and beyond to provide for us. He does not drink. He does not curse. And I know without a doubt he is and will always be faithful.
But often, he is mean.
The tone in his voice when he answers a simple question from me (ie: did you feed the dogs or what time are you getting off work) is met with extreme contempt and rudeness. If he has to repeat himself even once (sometimes I can't hear well), he is so impatient and disrespectfull in his tone.
He talks down to me often.
He raises his voice often and with little or no reason.
He loses his mind if I even act like I am criticising him in any way. For example, he wakes me up at 4am (an hour and a half before I have to get up) and I sleepily mumble in protest, he gets mad *at me*. He drives too fast and like an imbecile actually racing on the freeway... with probably teen boys and he's in his late 40's. If I even ACT like I'm scared or resent the fact that he's putting his family in danger, he acts out and starts yelling.
He pouts and storms around and is easily triggered.
I never know if he's going to be amiable or short fused. He's extremely disagreeable and defensive.
Even when I'm not the source of his anger, his yelling at inanimate objects and slamming around makes me nervous. I find myself hating (not really him... but the way he is).
He's always so angry. It's like being aggravated is what is most familiar and comfortable with him.



I never know how to act and I find myself, like so many I've read about, *walking on eggshells* trying not to trigger him.
We will go weeks and everything will be fine. We laugh and love and have a good marriage.
But then, it happens.
It always happens.
Today, after a couple of weeks of good, he was triggered.
He wanted to go somewhere at 4pm. We decided to go on a walk before. So we went on a pleasant 3 mile walk. We talked and laughed. It was a beautiful day. We walked back into the house and I immediately put some noodles in the microwave because I hadn't eaten since the early morning (coffee and oatmeal). I was going to let them heat up while I showered. The whole process took less than 3 minutes.
He saw me popping the noodles in the microwave and he went off!
"JUST FORGET IT!! YOU'LL NEVER BE READY ON TIME!! YOU ARE ALWAYS LATE!!!"
He ranted, then pouted.
We stayed home.
It's 10pm and he's been storming around silently. I can feel the anger radiating (loved that analogy...so fitting).
Awesome night in our household.
He's a firefighter and I am just holding out until his 24 hour shift tomorrow... and wishing he would take more over time.I find myself doing that a lot.
I feel guilty for feeling that way. I cry and I pray. I pray that God will soften his heart.
Thank all of you for sharing. It helps knowing we are not alone.