I've been kind of lost today. Unsure of myself. Without direction. And anxious.
Today is my dad's birthday. I have been unable to decide how to deal with it. I feel like I should make some kind of contact to let him know I remembered. I really don't want to see him. It's impossible to buy him anything.
Today I wished I lived far away. That way I could send a birthday card and that would be enough.
I'm afraid to initiate contact because I don't want a conversation. I don't want two-way communication.
I spent the whole day trying to decide what to do. Until I noticed at about 11:00 tonight that it was too late. By not making a choice, I guess I kind of did. I did not make contact.
I wrote happy birthday on his facebook wall. That doesn't really count though because he doesn't check it.
I'm thinking maybe an apologetic "Sorry I missed your birthday; I hope it was a good one" text tomorrow. I know it sucks, but it's really all I feel good about and honest in offering right now.
There's a small piece of me that is afraid I'm in trouble. I doubt it because he doesn't feel insulted very often. He'll probably just shrug it off.
But maybe I am in trouble. I guess I won't know until tomorrow.
I'm trying to remember that I'm an adult. Just because he gets upset it doesn't mean I am in trouble or that I've done anything wrong. I'm trying to remember that he doesn't control my life, that he doesn't have the ability to punish me anymore unless I let him.
Now if I could just figure out how to stop letting him.