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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

A Tough Day

I've been kind of lost today.  Unsure of myself.  Without direction.  And anxious.

Today is my dad's birthday.  I have been unable to decide how to deal with it.  I feel like I should make some kind of contact to let him know I remembered.  I really don't want to see him.  It's impossible to buy him anything. 

Today I wished I lived far away.  That way I could send a birthday card and that would be enough.

I'm afraid to initiate contact because I don't want a conversation.  I don't want two-way communication.

I spent the whole day trying to decide what to do.  Until I noticed at about 11:00 tonight that it was too late.  By not making a choice, I guess I kind of did.  I did not make contact.

I wrote happy birthday on his facebook wall.  That doesn't really count though because he doesn't check it.

I'm thinking maybe an apologetic "Sorry I missed your birthday; I hope it was a good one" text tomorrow.  I know it sucks, but it's really all I feel good about and honest in offering right now.

There's a small piece of me that is afraid I'm in trouble.  I doubt it because he doesn't feel insulted very often.  He'll probably just shrug it off.

But maybe I am in trouble.  I guess I won't know until tomorrow.

I'm trying to remember that I'm an adult.  Just because he gets upset it doesn't mean I am in trouble or that I've done anything wrong.  I'm trying to remember that he doesn't control my life, that he doesn't have the ability to punish me anymore unless I let him.

Now if I could just figure out how to stop letting him.


Pixie said...

About two years ago I got my nose pierced. I was 32. I had longed to get my nose pierced since I was about 17 or so. I actually did it in one of my mad manic moments. Got up, drove to the place, had it done. I peered into windows and looked at my slightly different face, and I smiled to myself. Then I had to face a phone call to say what I had done. I got the reaction I was expecting; the one that filled me with self-doubt, failure, being controlled, 'I'm in trouble',and so on. And it was at that point I decided that enough was enough. Nothing changed as such. I still see her daily. I still love her and her me. But I gained control. Occasionally I see snippets and I have to keep my feet firmly to the ground.

Every time I look in the mirror I see the little silver stud which represents that change.

I understand exactly what you are saying. And you are right: they can only punish you if you let them. But it will come, if you let it.

Thinking of you. :-) Pixie

Linda said...

Robin, I do that a lot -- not make choices and then feel numb. Somehow I've learned to just bite the bullet and get it over with or else I'll keep beating myself up about it. I'm really no one to talk though because I never did reach out to my own father. I learned this after he was gone for awhile; that I should just do it. That is me though and in time I think you'll work it out because I see a great deal of strength in you when it comes to facing and dealing with emotional stuff. Meanwhile, take care!

Anonymous said...

Try to stay out of the past, or stuck worrying what to do w/regard to the future. It's good you are working on remembering that his emotions do not control yours. Staying in the present and mindful is hard. I know. Keep at it.

Lily said...

I'm in a similar situation, as far as inaction making a decision for you. It's a form of denial for me. If I don't think about having to make the decision, then it's almost like it's not there..

Glad I found your blog. I'll be adding you to my blogroll.

Just Be Real said...

Hi Robin. I came from Lily's blog. I read a few of your posts here to get some idea what you are going through. I am very sorry for what was done to you. It should not have been. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. Safe hugs to you.

Stephi said...

I tried sleeping Father's day away...it almost worked. On my Dad's birthday I went to spent the night at a friend. I'm I being selfish? It depends how well you know my history with my Dad. What I am about to say is controversial: Does your Dad really deserve a fuss made out of his birthday?. It's amazing how you can travel the world and acheive the most incrediable things, but just being in the presence of a certain person will turn you right back into a frightened little girl. I hope one day you will be able to break free.