Fear has been a common element in my life. It's something I'm very familiar with.
And I usually know why I'm afraid. But not always.
You see, when memories that have been lost to me start to return I feel the emotions long before I know the reason. I am flooded with feelings and have no experience to connect them to. And the primary emotion is usually fear.
I know different people have different ways that lost memories resurface. It's not the same in every case for me either. There are those times when it's a flash. But they are rare.
When a memory starts to come back, and I become aware, I sometimes shut it back down. Nope, I'm not ready for that right now. And it goes away for a while. But not for good. The memory is there and it will not be silenced.
There are times in my life when I am more ready to deal with them than others. If they surface during one of these times then I can do the work. The really tough work. I can let them come, examine them, process them, and let them be a part of me.
So a while back I awoke with fear. Not fear from a nightmare or real life or anticipation of something impending. This was a memory fear. I don't know how to explain the difference but it is real and reconizable.
When I feel the fear, it is almost always most present in my shoulders. They tense. They become hypersensitive. If someone touches my shoulders when I am in such a state it is likely to cause a panic attack. An intense anxiety. A desire to run.
Once the fear starts it rides with me. It will sometimes slide to the background, but it is still there. And it remains until I am ready to do the work.
I am carrying the fear with me now. Waiting until it blossoms into what I need to see. Waiting until my soul says I'm ready.
It is impossible to force it. I can only prepare myself and wait. In a place of fear.
