A Cry in the Dark

As far as I can tell, people find this blog most often through a Google search (or Yahoo, whatever).  And the most common phrase that brings them here is "my husband is mean" or some variation on that theme.  They are directed to my post My Husband is Mean to Me and the Kids.  I am so saddened by how many women are searching with that phrase.

Sometimes they write to me.  They tell me their stories.  They are heartbreaking.  These women are so lost and alone.  And scared.

Most of them comment anonymously. 

I understand.  It's a scary thing to admit that your husband is sometimes a monster.  It's hard to admit to yourself.  And maybe they worry that he will somehow find out that they've told someone else and it will invite danger.

But because they are anonymous, I can't respond.  And that breaks my heart.  I write this post to them.

I want to reach out.  I want to tell you I heard your pain.  I feel it.  It's real.  I want to tell you that you aren't crazy.  I want to tell you that I'm so sorry he hurt you.  That marriage isn't supposed to be like that.  That you deserve better.

I want to invite you to keep talking to me.  I want to tell you that I am a safe person to talk to.  I will listen.  I will hurt with you.  I will not betray you.  Everyone needs someone to talk to.  You aren't alone; I want to tell you that.

I want to offer support and validation.  Or just a listening heart.  When you reach out to me, I want to reach back.  I want you to know that you are heard.  That you matter.  That your pain matters.

Some of you may never feel safe enough to let me know who you are -- and that's okay.  Hopefully, you will read this and know that I carry your story with me.  Thank you for sharing it in whatever way you could.  May you find moments of peace to carry you through until you find the strength and support to find change.  Thank you for sharing your pain.

If you think you don't have any options, please read What are My Options When My Husband is Mean?

Your Story is Important

I have been honored to have many people thank me for telling my story.  They tell me it helps them not feel so alone.  They tell me it helps them believe that their feelings and experiences are valid.  They tell me it gives them hope.

For whatever reason, sharing my story has helped people.  What an incredible privilege. 

It took me many years to get to a place where I was ready to tell my story.  Many years and lots of therapy.  And sometimes I still struggle.

But even though it's difficult, I believe it is important.  I believe prejudice about mental illness is so common because people don't talk about it, except to mock.  I believe abuse runs so rampant in part because people look away.  People don't want to know about the dark stuff.  Or they are afraid that they carry some shame or guilt because of it.  They are afraid they will be judged, looked down on, or in danger if they tell their story.

And, unfortunately, sometimes that's true.

I am blessed that I am at a place now where I do not fear those things like I used to.  I do not tell everyone I meet, but if asked I will own these things as part of my past.  And part of my present.  Part of who I am.  I speak because I can.  I speak for all those who cannot.

But I believe every story is important.  I believe everyone should get to tell their story even when others don't want them to, even when they are afraid.  I believe strength comes from saying, "This is what happened to me.  It is not who I am, but it does affect me.  And it was wrong."  I believe healing comes from saying, "This is what I did.  I hate who I was.  I am trying so hard to change."  From saying, "This is what I struggle with and I am ashamed."

Whatever your story, I believe you will be stronger and more whole when you are able to share it.

I offer to tell your story for you.  If you want your story known, but are fearful of the outcome, share it with me and I will share it here.  I have had people ask about this, if I would be willing to post their story here.  Yes, I am willing. 

If you do not want to share it publicly, I am still willing to listen.  Feel free to email me and we'll "talk" electronically (without your story being published here).  I am not a therapist.  I will probably not give you any advice.  But I will listen and honor your offering.  If you are uncomfortable talking to me, please find someone who is emotionally safe for you, someone who has never violated your trust.  Talk to them.

And if you aren't ready to talk about it, I suggest writing about it.  Electronic or paper, writing will help get the toxins out.  You are not your past.  Don't let it keep holding you hostage.

Please don't feel pressured to do this.  I do not mean to push.  Everyone comes to their moment(s) of healing in their own time.  But if you've felt like you might want to move ahead, I would be honored to help.