Warning:

This blog could potentially contain triggers. Please make sure you are emotionally safe before continuing.

Friday, June 18, 2010

My Husband is Mean to Me and the Kids

Five years ago, when I started talking about it for the first time, that was all I could say.  I couldn't call it what it was.  I couldn't say he was abusive.  I could call us dysfuntional, for sure.  But I couldn't say that my husband was abusive.

Why?

Because when you make an accusation like that you'd better be able to prove it.  You'd better have bruises and medical reports.  And I didn't. 

Verbal and emotional abuse doesn't leave physical evidence.

No one had seen what he did.  No one else knew what went on in our home.  In public, around friends and neighbors, he was laughing and playful.  Many times people told me that he must be so much fun to live with.  What a great sense of humor.  You must laugh all the time.

No.  Not really.  I dread picking up the phone because I know I'm in trouble for something.  I hate the weekends and holidays because it means very long days with him at home, never knowing if he will be in a good mood or if we will all be walking on eggshells.  Never knowing if the thing that made him laugh yesterday will have him screaming at me today.  Never knowing if my latest penance was enough, if I'm forgiven yet.  If he loves me again.  What's going to bother him today?  What did I do wrong?  What want should I have anticipated?  Will his anger be directed only at me or will he take it out on the kids?

Let me be clear.  He did not hit me.  He did not hit the kids in any way that could not be written off as discipline.  I would have known how to handle that.

He pushed me once, knocked me to the floor, when I was pregnant with our first child.  I remember telling him then and there that if anything like that ever happened again we were through; I would divorce him.  There were times when I regretted that threat.  I believe if I hadn't made it he would have hit me.  And I could have left.  I could have escaped.  And people would understand.

There were many times when I would have given anything just to have him hit me.  Then the decision would be clear.

But verbal and emotional abuse is tricky.  It's a sly thing that hides from the world.  It can even hide from the victim; you just can't put your finger on it.  Especially if you grew up with it.  Which we both did, to some extent.  And it comes on a little at a time so you don't notice it growing.  When you've lived it you believe it is normal.  You believe that everyone gets to that point at one time or another, behind closed doors.  Because it's all you've ever known.

Some examples of the abuse in our marriage/family.  At various times he would --
* give me the silent treatment for days
* humiliate me publicly or privately
* ignore my feelings
* criticize me, call me names, yell at me
* give me a hard time about socializing with my friends or family
* ridicule my beliefs
* have unpredictable mood swings, from good to bad for no apparent reason
* twist my words to turn them against me
* tell me that I am too sensitive
* threaten to leave
* ridicule me and then tell me it's a joke and say that I have no sense of humor
* withhold approval, appreciation, or affection
* present a wonderful face to the world
* promise never to do something hurtful again
* abuse something I love, my children
* compliment me to keep me happy but criticize me to keep me insecure
* harass me about imagined affairs
* question my every move and motive
* make me feel like there is no way to win, damned if I do/damned if I don't
* say things and later deny saying them
* drive like a road-rage junkie
* threaten to hurt me or our children
* manipulate me with lies and contradictions
* blow off commitments to me or the kids because we had misbehaved in some way
(list wording taken in part from Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site)

And there are so many more.  These are just a few of the things that were prevelent in my marriage for most of the fifteen years before I found the voice to talk about it with someone.

I was made to feel incredibly guilty if I chose to go out in the evening, even for a church activity.  And if I wasn't home exactly when I said I would be he would lock me out of the house.

If I woke him up when he overslept, I would get yelled at for acting like his mother -- he can take care of himself.  If I didn't wake him up when he overslept, I would get yelled at for not being considerate and helpful.

If he couldn't bully me into what he wanted then the kids became pawns.  Random punishment for the slightest offense.  Threatening violence if they didn't do what he told them to immediately.  And a complete withdrawl of his affection for them.

When I got off a phone call I would be interrogated for several minutes about who I was talking to and what we were talking about.

If we were out together with friends and I spent more time talking to the friends than to him then I was chastised and punished for ignoring him.

If I spent a night out with a friend, I was told that I was treating him like he was unimportant and that a wife should want to be with her husband.

Nothing was done right.  Nothing was good enough.  Nothing was his fault; everything was my fault.

And as loud and frequent as the yelling was, sometimes the silence was so much worse.  He radiated anger.  He would walk through the room and I could feel it coming off him like heat waves.  The kids and I just tried to be on our best behavior.  We tried to stay out of his way.

And I heard myself using lines I'd heard in all those woman-in-peril movies.  Please just try to be quiet.  Please be as good as you can.  Please don't give daddy any reason to get mad.

We would go for long stretches (sometimes several months) with everything being great.  It was wonderful.  We were happy.  We enjoyed each other.  We wanted to be together.  But even then I was on guard, always knowing that things could change in an instant, always ready to protect my kids and get them away from him.  And something would go wrong.

And I never really knew what it was, but I found excuses for it.  He's just so stressed because of money.  He's working too hard.  He didn't get enough sleep.  He isn't feeling well.

And that's when the yelling would start up again.  That's when he would kick things out of his way as he walked through the room.  That's when he would push his way past someone as they passed in the hallway.  That's when he would tell the kids that whatever he had promised them they were no longer going to get.

The screaming.  The threats.  The criticism.  The hatred.  The disdain.  The anger.  So much anger.  So much pain.  So much rejection.  So much sadness.  So much humiliation.  So much fear.

The kids and I often feeling like we were in trouble, never knowing if he loved us that day.

Why did I stay?  How did I deal with it?  What finally changed?

More to come.

If you are here because your husband is mean to you, please read A Cry in the Dark.

If you don't think you have any options, please read What are My Options When My Husband is Mean?

** I will be selectively allowing comments on this post.  It felt like people weren't honoring other people's feelings.  It felt like too many comments were becoming lectures, telling people what they should think, feel, or do.  I don't believe it's anyone's place to tell you how to live your life or what choices to make.  And I don't believe it creates a safe environment for sharing.  I would still love to hear your story if you'd like to share, as long as it is respectful.

65 comments:

NatNat&Jack said...

I"m so sorry. I don't know what to say, I"m sorry I never knew?? why would i or how could I ? i wasnt an adult. But even now I'm really sorry. I still love you both to pieces! I really wanna hear what happens in the next post how it got fixed. luv you

Librafury said...

I know you wrote this some time ago, but I just barely read it... Robin, I could have written this verbatim. My second husband... I don't even want to start on that subject. I am assuming that things have improved. I hope so. Know that you're not alone.

poisonchimera said...

i know exactly how you feel my husband is the same way,and i dont know how to fix it, i want to stay cause i love him but im so sick of the verbal abuse i feel like he may schizophrenia i have to walk on eggshells as well and i cant talk to him about it cause he doesnt acknowledge my feelings only what i have done and how i have wronged him, i feel like im invisible unless im being yelled at or told ive done something wrong, he doesnt compliment me ever he said it makes him feel awkward he has literally has only told me im pretty twice in the 5yrs of marriage. he is withdrawn from me and my family its like anyone who is associated with me gets ignored, i even have to beg him for intimacy so know your not alone hun i feel your pain and its truly sad. i just want to be happy and others who are in the same situation i wish the same.

patti said...

I just stumbled on this and,Robin, my heart breaks for you and the kids. My husband and I have been married 22 years. We are both 44 yrs old. We have 3 kids and I am miserable. I don't know what has changed him. Maybe years of stress, money trouble, resentment, regret, I don't know. He's become mean. He calls me stupid asshole. It makes me cry and he dosent care!
Sometimes he's happy and joking and I think " why would I leave him" then he gets angry and mean. Calling the kids retarded and just... I don't know its hard to put in to words. He dosent want to be here but he can't leave. No money, no where to go. My heart actually aches. I want him to leave but I don't want to hurt his feelings and make him!! Crazy right?

Anonymous said...

Why would you ladies put up with such assholes? Your children are the ones that are going to suffer in the long run. They'll grow to have anxiety and depression, PTSD. Get out now before it's too late, and seek counseling for your children.

Jill said...

I could have written the part about wanting your husband to hit you. I feel that way every day. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to do something that will give me a valid excuse to leave. Leaving because he's mean, short tempered, has an attitude problem, snippy, disrespectful, raises his voice at me, and also that he's lazy as hell don not seem like good enough reasons. But if he hit me, that would be it, and I'd be gone with our daughter, and no one would question it or tell me I should have tried harder. Sometimes I actually pray that he will hit me. :(

Tina said...

How to I begin....my husband and I have been married for almost 30 years, right now I feel so much hurt because of the things he says to me. in I have left him 3 times in the past, last time after I came back things where good for awhile. he may have Lou gehrigs disease which only adds to his anger. today he had a dr's appt at which I was Helping him get dressed, he was running late and as I was helping button his shirt he yelled at me and slapped My hands away and said i was making him late because I wasn't going fast enough. Sometimes I hate him I want him to hurt like he hurts me. When I try to talk him about the way he hurts me,he just says I just want to argue,he has moved on.

Anna said...

This is my life. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. Everything that you said...that is my husband. I always tiptoe around praying not to piss him off. I try so hard to be perfect just so he will be nice to me but not matter how hard I try he always finds something wrong. I starve myself because he has said I'm not skinny enough..but you can see my ribs...my spine. He's even been violent sometimes. He threw me into a wall...and once busted open my chin when he threw me on the ground...but I can't leave. He has three boys from his first marriage, my stepsons but I love them as if they were my own. Their real mother is a drunk and not in the picture. If I leave a) I will never see my kids again and b) I can't protect them if I'm gone. I'm stuck...

Anonymous said...

I'm reading this and some of it is like my husband does nothing around the house I do it all he's way of saying it is we all don't have the life staying at home like u like I sit on my back side all day be a really smart ass around friends and family if they ask what I've be doing or did u work he would be like yer right or I'll tell them something he would be as if but as he is saying he will say bubbles but u can talk money with him he just don't get it or u will wake him up he will get the shits and say your a pain in the ass that's all your good for it really hurts can do anything right anything I say that can't be right I do love him but just don't know how much more I have all ways been a strong mind person but he just knock me down with his words makes me cry what can I do I have to kids

Anonymous said...

I am this point and a little beyond a little more physical abuse and an alcoholic husband. We have been married 12 years and have 3 3 children and like you the 1st physical incident was when I was pregnant with our 1st child. However unlike you my family life growing up was totally unlike this and was great. His however was much worse where he was abused daily. I am unsure what to do because I still love him but I don't like him, if that makes sense. Well thanks for listening.

Charlotte19810329@yahoo.com

Suzy Little said...

I've been married forn28 years and we have three
children together. Two years ago I hit rock bottom and
just wanted to be rid of him. He was so mean and he
made me feel crazy. I am a college graduate but I felt so
stupid.. My self esteem had hit rock bottom when I sat
and watched him flirt with another woman at a wedding
and his mother tried to defend him. My kids are all gone
now so I went to therapy. she told me I was emotionally
abused. I was in so much denial. Some days would be
great but without warning my husbands mood it would
crash and it was always my fault and holidays were the
worst. Finally one little word changed my world and all
my whys got answered. He is a narcissist! Everyday I
am getting stronger and finding my voice. Please read
about Narcissism. it could change your life too.

Anonymous said...

I feel so alone. My husband is exactly like what is being described. We've been married for 4 years, together for 9 years. I've hated my life with my husband since right after I got pregnant with our child. He ridicules me everyday. He also ruins just about every holiday and vacation. If our house is messy, he blames me. If we're late for something, he blames me. If I'm on the phone with my family, he'll yell and swear about me in the background. I don't believe the mean things that he says to me, instead I withdraw myself emotionally from him. We haven't had sex in about a year. I have tried to explain to him (on the good days) that I can't connect with him enough to have sex due to his behavior. The times before that we did have sex, I would regret it within an hour or two when he would be mean again. When we are out, he is the "life of the party" and people say that we must have so much fun all the time. He also is very successful at his job and everyone loves him. I confided in one person about my husband's abuse and he distanced himself from me ever since. I feel like he thought I wasn't being truthful or maybe he thought I was crazy. I feel embarrassed every time I see him now. I'm so afraid to say anything now to anyone. The people that I should be talking to are my friends and family, but I don't want them to worry about me. Some days are good days so I guess I try to hold on to those. I can really relate with the physical abuse comments. If he hit me it would be easier to leave I guess. The excuse that my husband is a jerk doesn't seem like enough.

Anonymous said...

Hi Robin & and others! I just stumbled upon this and honestly I am married to the same sort of jerk living in an "eggshell" situation. I want to divorce him and have him leave more than anything else in the world. My kids are also freaking out with the mood swings and "Jerkiness."

My question is this, how do I or how can I make him leave? He wants to (one week) work it out... but will not talk to anyway, and then the next week the angry silent treatment returns along with yelling at the kids!

I can afford (both financially and emotionally) to do with out him, but how the heck can I make him leave?? What are our rights?? Any suggestions? I'm done, I just want him gone, sad to say after 23 years, but I know I deserve to be treated better

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
Jen

Anonymous said...

I am also in the same situation. What makes it worst is that he tells me that me and the kids did nothing wrong. He would sit and think about stuff and make himself angry. But we are the ones he takes it out on. His anger comes out of nowhere but he gets angry when I ask him what's wrong. Next thing you know I am being ignored or yelled and cursed at. I am done trying.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I agree we all share many of the same stories. I have been married to my husband for 13 years and have 4 children and raised 5 step children. I am wife #3 and baby-mother #4...was warned by several but listened to none. He is very mean, short, unloving, sexually, financially, and mentally abusive. the physical stopped as the kids got older. But in looking for resolution there has been one thing that I have not tried until most recently...God. Dr. Tony Evans gives several sermons on this as well as Dr. Ed Young and the battlefield against the devil that we have entered into when we married, all of us who said yes to the holy covenant which is a promise to God. marriage is Holy. The devil/Satan hates marriage and all it stands for. Normally that liar goes seeking for weakest vessel in it. woman hold something God gifted, we are nurturing, forgiving, loving, and sensitive to others...so if we cannot be fool and tricked into divorce,,, he will bounce back to or just continue to attack the husband if there is no connection. Godly connection,, flipping back and forth until the reaction (divorce) can be reached and so on. If he can get a divorce,,, the rest is gravy! YEs, Women are the support, the link to the strength of a man. I am learning this now. I cannot change my husband but be the example through my walk with God. Praying over and for him as well as for myself, reading and studying the bible, looking for God to protect and guide me and believing that he is doing just that. Faith is big with God and what a way to show it, when you can love despite your ridicule. It is not easy but God says that I can do all things through Christ, He is my strength. Many I know that this is not what u may want to hear but God has provided the answer to all that worries, hurts, to what depresses us. the answers have always been available, the bible is the blueprint, it teaches to start with ourselves and fixing you with God. Just be quiet and watch what happens with your husbands in your new walk. The meaner he is to you, the more love you give..in Jesus, name. learn to lay your burdens down at Gods feet in prayer. Watch for his glory and tell him what you feel, ask Him for help, We have not because we ask not. Start today and learn what it takes to hear God and to be Heard by God. You can Google Dr. Ed young and DR Tony Evans sermons on marriage, being a Godly woman, I also study with Dr. Charles Stanley, he is really good "lessons and lists"==love him!!, Start seeking God with all your heart and your desires will be given to you. I will be praying for everyone who has revealed stories on this blog. May God provide you with peace and I ask that you seek Him to allow you peace and return joy in your heart so you can blossom over your family and marriage. Keep a watchful eye on the sky as the day of reckoning draws near..be ready for rapture.. on that great day,, fare D well!!

Anonymous said...

most important...don't give up on your marriage...never leave your mate unless it is unsafe...if he is physically hurting you or placing you in compromising situations, yes...you should leave..be safe...however, if it is a working marriage with a man who is a Grinch...its workable !!don't give up on GOD~~!! HE is greater in me than he who is in the world!1john 4:4 you can do it ,,,you can do it!!!

Anonymous said...

I disagree with the comments left by Anonymous (2/16/2013). With all due respect to your religious beliefs, prayer and Bible study is not going to change a man who has a mental health issue or anger management problem. HE has to be the one to change. If he has a problem, it is not your fault, and it's not because you didn't pray hard enough. He alone is to blame.

Failthful said...

Thank you soooo much.

prayinghands said...

replying to Anonymous (3/13/2013). I so appreciate your comment, it does make great conversation, which I totally hunger for. Well, of course it is not the fault of the wife and it will never be her fault. I agree with you. A husband's anger, mean, jealous actions are not of God and not his lady's fault. I spoke on the steps that one can take while they are going through (it). we are the support of each other. Even now, you support me, in this conversation we are having on this blog, I learn more about myself as you question my thoughts, my ideals. God commands love, and I know how hard it is to give when especially one may not be receiving in return. The act of prayer is a connection with God, reading and studying the bible is the blueprint of life. The bible, answers of life and teaches us how to listen, watch for and see God. Satan is attacking all whom dwell in this world, he knows his time is short. If he can destroy the family and its structure, his task is much easier. Husbands, boys and men are really under attack for they are the head and hold a very important position in this life. The wife is then forced to take on this duty. Unbalanced leadership--Not God intentions according to the bible starting in Genesis. But check it out! Corinthians 7:14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy....The ying and yang of things. The wife can save the family because of her holiness, believing praying hands. Faith in God. Keeping Gods commands, she sanctifies. God has covered it! No time to blame but to put the metal to fire and make it solid as a diamond. Unbreakable! See Satan and his demons, we have to know them for who they are...liars, blaming and trying to shame, hurt, and get all in discord, disconnected, and of course divorced! Gotta sing this song 123 the devils after me, 456 he always throwing sticks (blaming - lying - hurting),789..he misses everytime...Hallelujah,Hallelujah(Praise ye the Lord,Praise ye the Lord) well, I just wanted reply to you. I appreciate the opportunity to express my beliefs and appreciate that you wanted to talk about it. thank you

Anonymous said...

What I am reading, it is my life.

Anonymous said...

This is my husband- I need to get out! My daughter knows he is an angry person. Tomorrow I have to fill out paperwork for a new job- when I told him he started yelling that I can't go. I've lost every job that I've had because of him- I've had to take so many days off (at his request)-multiple calls to my workplace (to threaten me). He does have one thing right- I'm a stupid bitch- no one sane can put up with this -

Anonymous said...

I could have written this list about my first marriage. In fact, I had to write my own version of it for my divorce lawyer.

Anonymous said...

Yep, same here...it is good to read this. Makes me realize how stupid I am. I can't believe we are all putting up with it. I wish I had the money to leave. I am a teacher in 7th year so there is hope. We started getting raises again and I am going to start looking for a place. I think keep the house but look for a second place. At least that gives us hope. Been married 32 years. Four kids. 22 (moved in with boyfriend) 19, 17, 15. My fifteen year old daughter is sad that he is so mean. And unavailable. Knows nothing about her and doesn't care. Alcoholic as well. We don't want to lose our house, but we just need to get a second place. A quiet, loving place. Maybe I will be smart and make it an investment. I am done trying to fix him. Time to move on. Not divorce, just away. I think that is what he needs to figure things out. I was lucky. Did have a great job and took a chance and quit to raise the 4 kids. We got through it but that's when it started. I would have never married him if I knew he was going to be this mean. It was bad only about five percent of the time. Really bad, but only a little bit. Over the years the percentage has increased. Now I would say were are up to 95% horribly verbally and emotionally abused/neglected. He now is mean to my mom since he knows she is leaving small inheritance to my brother and nephew who are disabled. That and mean to my kids, we are talking when they were little. And their little girlfriend when she was about 13. I'm sorry, but, this guy is a pussy. Sometimes I wish I could call the police on him. Unfortunately, I may never leave...don't have the money, had I know he was going to turn so abusive I would have gotten into a different field like computer science or engineering. I am so stupid.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. reading this made me cry and feels really hurt myself. being a woman i know how you feel. I just don't know what to say... If i we're in the position i just leave and let him live alone. let you life back,we don't get married to be abused by men. that's why being single is the best. Please love yourself and your kids. take care and God Bless you and your kids.

Anonymous said...

this is all so sad. so many of us-I hate my husband for making me this, for having to be ashamed, for having no one to tell. My life is just like your story (and apparantly just like so many others too) I cant even get away to work-years ago he got me a job with him so I never get a break at all. Hes gotten to the point, after 14 years, where its starting to be physical and more and more he is threatening to kill me. I'm trying to get out but its a slow process-i was involved in dog rescue so i have several pets and i know i cant leave them behind cause i know he'll make good on the horrible stuff he says he'll do to them, and i have to be so carfeul so he doesnt figure out what im doing...its so hard, i didnt want to be this person and i dont know if i can even get out but im going to try.

Anonymous said...

As I am reading all these postings, I realize that I am not alone. My husband is an alcoholic and he suffers from depression. His father was verbally abusive to him while growing up and his mother never defended him. We lived in another state and moved back to take over the family business. We were married 5 years when we moved back and I sensed that he had an alcohol problem. The problems got worse once we were in this "toxic" environment. These problems became progressively worse. To the point my husband would "come unglued" when one of my daughters did something bad. If I came to him about a concern, he turned the problem around, and it was my fault. I didn't realize it, but I was living with a controlling man. He with the help of his mother who would constantly make belittling comments to me chipped away at my self esteem. I felt like someone who couldn't do anything right. I forgave one affair, then he had another. I guess what I am saying is I LET all these people treat me this way. I became so weak & depressed about the situation that I became hopeless about what to do about it!!! He quit marriage counseling-he was starting to have to "own" some of the things that have happened in our marriage. We have been married 27 years and I finally filed for divorce. My husband and I ONCE HAD a special relationship---he is a different man now. I long for that man, but I don't feel I can wait around for things to change. He is an angry and bitter man. This has gone on for too long. I want to be happy again. I deserve to be treated with respect. Through all of this, I don't even know who I am anymore! I shouldn't be afraid of my husband. I am sorry to admit that, but I became afraid of him! All of you who have posted deserve to be happy. I pray that all of you will find peace with your decision of what to do. Do what is best for YOU and your family. They are all suffering--believe me--they are. God Bless!!

Anonymous said...

I live this day in and day out, practically word for word. I started recently to confide in my family about my husband's behavior, not to make them hate him but to help them understand the life I have been living. It isn't the happy go lucky life they have been lead to believe on the outside, hurt-felt secrets live here too. Thank God I have found my voice and I am using it to speak up for myself and our daughter. Keeping you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I have been in my relationship for 4 years now. I have known him for 10 years. I think that thing that sucks the most is that I love him. Everything listed on this site is him to a "T". I just dont understand why he feels that I should get treated the way he treats me. Its on going and after each blow out fight he is always the first to say sorry and tell me that it will never happen again. There is nothing physical going on and I dont fear that with him. This is all verbal abuse. I feel like I'm damn if I do or dont. I walk on egg shells and feel like my self worth has shrunken dramdically since we have been together. I dont have any type of depression but I do ask myself why me why is he only mean to me. The hardest thing in the world is to be in love and treat someone with respect and only get the same in return a portion of the time. I give my all and help him finacially becasue he cannot do it him self. He has had several people die (MOM, Aunt) in bad ways and he holds on to a lot of anger and resentment from that. I do feel he uses that as an excuse to excuse his behavior but after almost 5 years Im done hearing it. I feel that the way he treats me is the way he treated his mother before she died he was mean and hateful towards her and she would always forgive him because that was her son I feel she ruined him. I know that he is sorry when he does it but it doesnt stop him from doing it over and over again. I'm just tired of it. I want to know if people like this can change or is he always going to be this verbally abusive?? We are taking a break from one another no calls, text messages and as little contact as possible we have a 2 year old and we have lived together for the past 4 years. So we are just trying to give each other space. He tells me all the time he has no idea why he does this but he wants to change but I just dont think he can. I think that his mother ruined him and made him think that SORRY will fix anything and he can be selfish and mean and thats just him. This whole thing sucks there are so many things I hate about him and so many things that I love. I'm just lost

Carla Williams said...

I would like to say to all who have poured out on this blog, YOU are loved...may not be how you want it to be but you are. I am too. We have a higher calling to keep ourselves together for our husbands who we were made to fit just as Eve was made to fit her husband from his rib she came not from the man's rib we women came... I was readind and I am reading how sorry we feel, how it is the man's fault for EVERYTHING...really? I am that man, but I am a woman... no one is speaking about how we fight back the same way, how I apologize for my words or for always correcting him, or as he says...I belittle him ...hmmm at some point I just joined in and did not realize it until I seen my 4yr old displaying the both of us in his social emotional realm. Seems that many of us do not believe it takes two to make or break a marriage by what is done or not done and how both man and woman in marriage are treating one another, therefore,I will share this , I learned from my husband how important it is to hold on to who I am, to know when to holdem, foldem, walk away or run took 5 years, and I am working on me NOT him, As I change he has no choice but to change too, or to leave, he does not have to change because NO one stays the same... I am not the same woman he married but I am the romantic, I am the smiling one I am the encourager and now I work on keeping peace so I can stop my own mind from staying unsettled, shoot I can get mean moody too!!! I have had enough of what he does just as you ladies, but I know God makes crooked folk straight and can change this around marriage I have been learning to trust the Lord,and my husband was messed up by another woman's scorn and yes his own mother. We women need to let go of the alcoholic if not going to counseling they are not to be fooled with because the scars they leave are bad on a child now grown man... I hurt for us woman who give themselves NO OPTIONs... too many shelters, and help for us. NO more excuses for those who have them...they only benefit the one giving it, and the children will resent or stay away.
NONE of us were created for a man to treat or disrespect and ladies if you are in danger of losing who you are due to neglect(adultery) infidelity(tv, staying out with everyone but you on a regular,drinking,drugs, or sexing a man/woman) time to let it go... for the better of YOU then healthy stays the kids. I am always pondering should I or shouldn't I because I want to be loved a certain way but now that I have gone through this mess I am stronger and I know I have to LOVE ME enough to stand up take risks to keep my husband out of for some of us Satan's grasp because DIVORCE for some not an option but my options are to HELP me and the children to deal and cope with a hurting dad by not reacting to all of his or my behaviors but to take the best of us and leave the bad out so they can relax, I am a work in progress and I sure want you all to know I was you and I have been working to not stay or become him. I hope no one was offended I am glad I stumbled upon this blog!

Anonymous said...

This is my husband. Some of the things are different, but not much. It has been 24 years. I would have ended it long ago, but he would cut off funds. My kids were ill and needed medication and I too. I would not be able to get the medication and Doctors, we all need. No one would ever believe what our home is like, because of who he is outside of it. 3 of my Kids are adults, one a early teen, we are all broken and shall never know any life but this.Even away from him the damage has been done and the life we could have had will never be ours.

Anonymous said...

Hi I am married 4 year

Anonymous said...

My first husband was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. I managed to leave and take my 4 small children with me. We had a horrible divorce where he manipulated me and abused us through the court. Then after several years he abandoned his court assigned responsibilities.... Thank God! I let him go! Now, in my second marriage and my husband is "just" emotionally and verbally abusive. My children get most if it. He put on a great show before we got married! I'm looking at divorce again, because we've been through therapy on and off for over 4 years (married 7) and nothing sticks. All i can say is, once you are subjected to abuse your mind gets altered...so much healing needs to take place before you can select a new healthy partner. My parents have been a good model for my kids (i had a great childhood) so at least they have a reference point. Youth group has been a God-send...literally. Sorry to say, though, PTSD, anxiety and depression is real. I don't sleep much and the kids struggle with issues as well. Finding a good family therapist for just you and the kids is very important. Sending love and hope to all of you!

Anonymous said...

It is so hard to read this without crying. This is my life...my husband compliments me endlessly and tells me how great I am. He enjoys telling everyone how he encourages me to go out and do things with friends...but what he says and what he does are two different things. He gets angry when I have a meeting after work if I havent given him the proper notice before hand...he says its my fault that people hit on me because I act like a whore...if I am one minute late getting home he calls pretending to be worried about me but he is not he wants to know where I am...he freaks out if I dont call him when I go to lunch and stay on the phone with him the whole time. He tells me I am beautiful then tells me I need to loose weight the next day literally. Sometimes he is great but then the darkness comes and I too am praying he will just smack me so I have good reason to leave since he always convinces me his anger is justified because I am whore...he actually told me that it was my fault that someone complimented me...his friend no less...he said I should have been angry with his friend, when i asked him why he did not say anything to his friend he said he should never have to and if he did he would look like a jealous psycho...hmmm go figure. I dont know what to do I want to leave him but I am scared to be alone. I am 25 and I have never lived alone. I moved from my parents to him...I would have nothing and have to start from scratch. My parents are gone now and I feel alone. I feel like a child...

layla said...

This is my life. You've more or less written about my life is. I'm always living in fear of the next thing that I'm going to do wrong and am afraid to take any decisions on my own because of this. I'm constantly punished for things that are out of my control and I keep wondering why I don't leave. Maybe its my faith in God and the fact that I want to try to make this marriage work that makes my want to keep trying but I'm just so miserable. Its like my husband goes out of his way to be cruel and mean to me and make sure that I suffer when things don't go his way. I'm so ashamed that I've lived with this for 5 years, but I just can't bring myself to leave. Having a daughter and a second on the way, I just bite down and live on for the sake of my children, but most of the time it just gets too much. Can you believe that I pray that my husband would just die so that I would be free without getting a divorce? He's a very sweet guy to everyone else and I really do my best to please him and take care of the family. Be it my work or looking after my daughter or just daily living, I really try but its never enough. I know I'm evil to keep wishing that he would just die, but its what I think and wish most of the time. Its not physical (though it was in the beginning) and is just verbal abuse but the words that come out of his mouth are so cruel and mean. I'm always put down and to be honest, I don't think he's said a nice word to me in the past 1 year. Though I always compliment him, not once have I received a compliment of some sort unless I go out of my way to ask how I look. It would just be nice to be treated as an equal. To be recognized for the intelligent and hardworking women that I am. To just be appreaciated once in a while and valued. A nice word every now and then would just really make my day instead of living in fear of the next wrong thing that I'm going to do. Anyway, this comment is getting too long. God bless you. Hope everything has or is working out.

Anonymous said...

Gosh!!! Get out of town! Get police escort when you know he wil b our to get ur dogs ur life is more important than the dogs. I lived in a street where the guy burned his eres house down and killed two of her relatives well her boyfriend and her aunt. There are domestic violence hotline they can hide you you need to disappear and Never let him know where u r especially the first six weeks after u go.

Anonymous said...

Here is something from a husband. I have been accused of being mean by my wife. Do we have arguments? YES. Am I am the only one screaming? NO. How do the arguments start? Stupid silly things. Do I support my wife? I believe so, but she will disagree. Do I belittle her? NO. Have I ever hit her? NO Do I question her when she goes out with friends. NO. Do I compliment her as much as I should? No. Do I ever say no to anything she wants to buy? NO. Do I complain about anything around the house? NO Do I tell her I am not happy in this marriage? No - not man enough.

What I have done is support her and the kids ON MY OWN for 20 years. The kids are the center of my life. The wife and I have drifted apart. I could post some examples of how I have been verbally and emotionally abused, but it appears that train only goes one way. Oh, for the poster that said she gets sex once every 6 months, that is quite frequent for me. Not surprisingly when the wife says she does not want sex with me any more. After 20 years or hearing NO, a guy just gives up. Have I cheated? NOPE and will not either.

Ladies, no doubt some of you have been abused. There are also some of us guys out here that feel the same way.

Anonymous said...

Its a hard thing to admit your wrong very few people ever do it. i was physically abused growinf up extensively and verbally no self esteem nothing I never even knew I had issues until my ex left me for another man ten years of me treating her like this was over i blamed her as many do like i said rarely do we (anyone) take responsibility its hard to be so extensively alone as i am and crazy in love with my ex(3+years now) and not wanna blame her my only fall back was i didmt hit her i didnt chear the eye opener for me was when the auestion was presented if a man treates your daughter how u did how would i feel ? Easy i would want to kill . ! Therapy and sould searching later i feel better but will be in love with what is now someonr elses wife for the rest of my lonely life and whats worse i deserve it . men if this is you be honest and change whilr u can i changrd but noone noticed dont end up like me its very hard to face eacg day tganks everyonr good luck best wises from arkansas

Anonymous said...

Oh Jesus..Ditto...amazing words, they have swirled in my head for 15years. Love to you and good luck. x

Anonymous said...

I'm going to call myself Buzz-

I don't know how I found my way to this page but this is my life! I don't even know how I became this woman who would stand for so much nonsense but this is me! It brought me to tears. Its so different reading it. I feel ashamed, like a bad mother and a lot less stronger than what I am. Its crazy I have accepted so much that I cant recognize myself anymore. I started to believe I was ugly because he was so flirtatious with so many other women that I thought I wasn't good enough. I always thought he was there for me but I think the truth is he is a miserable being. Constantly complaining about everything. He has cheated on me so many times I cant even keep count. My kids are not his own so he bullies them when I make him mad and that can be simple as me asking about a woman he's sneaking around with. I moved in with him with my kids and all he does is complain...all the time. He's mad all the time. I don't know what to do...because this life could be everything I ever wanted if he wasn't such an a$$. And now I feel like my love is turning into something dark...I'm turning into something dark. I've never been a person to accept anything like this!! he even cheated on me with his cousin, people I work with...told me my sister is so beautiful he couldn't take his eyes off of her. The old me would have fought, would have never let this happen. I feel so absolutely alone. But reading this I know I'm not. On the surface its a fairytale--He buys me everything I don't pay bills often. I'm not even materialistic!!! I've never gave a darn about possessions. even through all this my kids are happy for the most part, they don't know all of this until he starts screaming at me and all the neighbors hear.

Anonymous said...

Ladies this is not how women should be treated working very hard to move our children away from this verbally abuse I/we deserve to be happy

Anonymous said...

My husband is supposed to be an ordained minister, but the way he treats me isn't anything like a minister should be. He is very mean and verbally abusive to me. I told him, "I miss you" and he said so you want to start a fight! It went on for an hour all the things I do wrong and all the things I've done to upset him. When he starts all this, I just go blank...don't know what to say or feel...just very hurt and he makes me cry and feel guilty for something I didn't do. I don't know how to deal with him as he is so smart. He told me to never argue with him cause I will loose. He is so overpowering and makes me feel so little and worthless. I can't even tell him how I feel or how he hurts me cause he does not do anything wrong...he is always right! He blames everything on me. I am 17 years older than him and owned my own home, furnisher, vehicle when I met him. He has taken over everything ~ even told me he thought it was funny that he had me and my van! He goes to college and gets angry if I went to lunch or shopping with my mom or sister and am happy about it. It makes him furious and he does not want me to spend time with my family or my friends. He has nothing to do with any of my family or friends. He thinks I should stay here at home and do what he wants me to do. I hurt from all the horrible things he says to me. I can't understand why I just blank out when he is yelling at me. Sometimes I don't even remember all the cruel things he says. He tells me he is leaving me and does not want me...he leaves and comes back like nothing ever happened. Sometimes I think he is driving me crazy. I can't even begin to tell all the things he does to me...I don't think there is a way out. We tried all kinds of Christian counseling and it didn't do any good at all. I still get the abuse...makes me want to give up!

Anonymous said...

I feel all your pain ladies. I have been with my husband for 10 years married 7. We have a daughter. Since the day I married him he has verbally abused me. He calls me all sorts of names. Tells me that I am nothing without him and he found me in the gutter. He hates my family for not helping us out financially after our wedding. He calls them all sorts of names and is racially abusive. He always calls me dumb and stupid and says he regrets marrying me because I dont come from a rich family. I am a professional and took off 6 months to have our child. Within 5 months he called me a free loader and told me to go back to work. I dont earn as much as him therefore I am not allowed to spend much money on myself. I am so miserable in my marriage. He has an anger problem and blames everything on me. We haven't had sex in years. He told me one day that I was average and nothing special. That comment devestated me. He has slowly but surely eroded my confidence and self esteem with his nasty comments. I want to leave but I cant. He has never been physically abusive but emotionally I am spent. I dont love him anymore. I wish he would leave. No one knows my pain because I am too embarrassed to share. How did I end up with a disgusting husband who I despise? My daughter and I are better off without him. Don't have the courage to leave. Thank you so much for reading my post. Feels good to let a bit out of me.

Anonymous said...

I cried e hole reading ur post. I feel that God is the only one that I can turn to. I'm not alone. Thank you soon much for posting urv thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I thought my husband was mean, reading all of these I am convinced that he is not. Though, sometimes he can be very angry with our daughter. This always drives me crazy. You guys should not be stuck with partners that don't appreciate you. Pray for them. If prayer does not work, get out fast before it is too late.

nancy otten said...

My spouse is emotionally, physically, verbally abusive. He acts so different out in the community and everyone seems to think he is the greatest guy. My boss and a friend are the only people who has seen who he really is.

ronnie said...

Thank you. I needed to find this tonight. I am so alone. My husband doesn't talk to me for days. When be does he's mad about something and I walk on eggshells to keep the peace. I want to leave but I am afraid. The kids. I don't want them to have to stay with him alone. I feel hopeless and alone. Your blog made me feel less so .

Anonymous said...

As Robin stated this is not a place to pass judgement on anyone. sometimes it may seem far more simple from someone else's perspective but these situations are not easy. Be considerate.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. I can sure relate to these stories! My husband isn't physically abusive but verbal. He doesn't even yell, more like mumbles his mean comments, and is the king of the silent treatment. He ignores alot and blames me for everything. It's lonely being unheard. I hope things get better for me and everyone who knows what it's like to walk on eggshells. It a terrible feeling... not knowing what to expect from day to day, the cold shoulder treatment, the blaming, then nice the next day. Like Robin said, even when times are good, the guard is always up. I love him and want my marriage to work, but it's exhausting isn't it!? I don't know what to do, some days I'm strong, some days I cry, somedays I just bury my head in the sand and put on the fake smile. Good luck to us all, God bless.

Joni said...

This type of controlling behavior is not uncommon. Try looking up , "borderline personally disorder", which is a pattern of using a faulty fear-based coping mechanism meant to deal with their fear of losing a valued partner. If you choose to stay, then when they are not attacking, you can increase their security by sending praising and appreciative emails when you are not together. There are books, including, "Walking on Eggshells" that suggest ways to communicate with such a partner. This is an emotional disturbance based on fear and thus is irrational, such that the partner is so concerned with their fear of being overpowered or left and hurt that they can't recognize how hurtful they are to others.

khulsey said...

Wow! This is my unfortunately, my life, too. :(
He's currently in the "silent treatment" stage. I have no idea why. Wondering if you have suggestions on how to handle this.

Anonymous said...

We have been together twenty years. I can't imagine my life without him but some days I can't imagine going on with him either. I keep thinking what did I do to change him? He wasn't like this when we got together. And the ironic part is much as you wrote about no one knows how he is. On the outside he seems all ok, a fine dad and a good provider and husband. But inside I'm screaming for the love and affection he doesn't seem to have for me. I would quite literally give my right arm for a loving kiss or two. I don't even know where to begin to know what to do. I spent so long trying to fix what he had me thinking I messed up, I don't even know who I am anymore.

Anonymous said...

All you dear, beautiful women coming to this site, please know you are not alone. I found this site after being at my best friend's house on mother's day and witnessing her husband go on a verbal rampage because her 2 kids pooled their money and bought her a surprise gift he did not like. Then he berated me for not knowing about it and letting him know. I went to leave, but she begged me to stay. So I stayed as he angrily ranted. I want to take her and the kids to live with me, but I know this must be her decision. I am afraid for her safety, I feel powerless to help. Abuse affects everyone around. You are not alone, I support you, I am in your corner. You are not crazy or stupid and your abuser does not define you. Leave or stay, I support you. If you can, make copies of any financial documents that show you have a right to some joint money, stash a bit of cash away, and give it to a friend to keep. Then if you leave, you will have something he cannot get at.

Anonymous said...

I have only been married for 5 years and I have been miserable for about 4 of these years. My husband is a retired Professional who is very smart but seems to have some sort of mental illness. I was older when I married and a single Mother. He seems to think that I should kiss his feet because he married a single older Mother. He was a wonderful man until after 3 months of marriage and then his true personality came out. Calling me names and getting drunk every night. We only dated for 6 months before we married. I now know why he married me so quickly, he couldn't keep the fa├žade up for much longer. The abuse has gotten worse as time goes on , always verbal snide remarks about everything and anyone. He has no friends and his family wants nothing to do with him. He has been physically abusive on several different occasions. He went to a rehabilitation program where he managed to stop drinking but now he is so mean and angry all the time. Nothing I or my child do makes him happy ever. He doesn't tell us he loves us and doesn't show any affection to anyone except his animals. I want to leave because I want my child to know that all men aren't like this .
Some men are loving and caring toward their family. I wish I could find a way to leave, it is financial. I pray everyday for something to change, living with someone who is so miserable about everything really is bad for everyone.

Anonymous said...

Why do you stay?

Anonymous said...

I am living the same nightmare life. Married 28 years and together 32. He is a complete jerk and has become his dad who behaved the same way when he was growing up! It started even before we were married but stupid me.. I didn't leave. One grown daughter now and she lived through many years of the eggshells life. He melted down tonight while she was here visiting and Lord knows why.. It doesn't seem to matter.. It's his nature and I KNOW it's not me. I saw the familiar sadness come over my daughter and heard her sigh and say " oh it's time to go ". Breaks my heart but I'm the fool still after all these years. He is now fighting cancer and I would feel like a complete monster if I left him during this time. I'm so unhappy. I hope we all somehow find happiness and regain our self esteem.

Anonymous said...

WOW. I can't believe how close to home this is. It's truly heartbreaking to know others are as miserable as me.

Anonymous said...

So many of those who have written sound like they married someone like I did...a truly horrible piece of work that I would give anything to be rid of. I'm sick of walking on eggshells around him, being quiet until I figure out if hubby is in a good mood or bad one, not having sex (but I don't really want to with him) for SO MANY years, really living apart, as he stays in the basement and I stay upstairs; the constant accounting of what he contributes and does compared to my contributions and of course, in his assessment, he does the most; his not wanting to listen to ANYTHING I say, and flat out telling me he doesn't care. Hell, I even considered having an affair with a married man at work that I thought was interested in me, just to have some kind of male contact. I'm so miserable...there's not a day that doesn't go by that I don't contemplate ending it all...but that too would play into his hands, as he would get all the fruits of my work labor for these past 30+ years.

Anonymous said...

Please ladies get out of your marriages. I was there and it never ends well. Mine devolved into a very scary physical abusive marriage. Ypu don't want him to hit you because that only leads to more excuses and more hurt get out before the hitting starts and you end up irreversibly damaged either physically or mentally

Anonymous said...

How can there be so many women like me and so many men like him? We've been married 33 years, and I'm laying here in the dark alone, again! Waiting for a complete basterd to come to bed and ignore me

Anonymous said...

Prayer does change things. It also has changed me. Now I believe God will grant me a miracle on how to protect my daughters. I believe. I jamm so much praise and worship in the house and when he comes home he gets distracted. ... spends so much time always turning it off. Now after 3 years when he leaves the house he turns it back on. Lol. My little ministry. God is powerful. He can part the sea. He can change my husband. I cant. But I can change me.

Anonymous said...

Nothing will change unless you get up the courage to leave your husband. You have documented your abuse so you will get financial support if needed. I stayed in a marriage like yours for 23 yrs and changed except my children, who are now so emotionally damaged they are unable to have relations of their own. They are now well into their twenties! I blame myself for not telling the truth to myself and others, for not leaving while ahead, not finding a more loving Father for my children. I told myself my love would be enough. I told myself alot of lies! If I could do it over I would have left and created the life I dreamed we could have. Take care of yourself and your children and get away from a dead end or damaging end to yourselfs. Get away before the emotional damage is permanent.

Anonymous said...

I was a strong confident woman who always believed I would protect my children but this isn't the case anymore. I really. Don't know what to do. I know I don't deserve this treatment. I'm lost and broken..my father was the same and I swore I wouldn't have another treat me that way but some how it has. Please someone help me...

Anonymous said...

My husband is most all of this except he hasn't been physically abusive yet. We have a two year old daughter and have been married four years. I have no job,no car,no money,and no family or friends who can help me. Been looking f for a job for 2 years and an about to get a degree. It's just not possible to leave. :(

Anonymous said...

This is exactly what my life has been like for 15 years. I recently took our teenage kids out of school and moved from SC to VA. He swerved at my car with our daughter sitting up front in 5 pm traffic on a busy road. His reasoning is that it was a "bad joke" and should've answered his call on the cellphone instead of ignoring him. That is the last straw. I removed my children and myself from this situation the following day. We still haven't returned to him , this all happened a week ago, but the kids and I have NO intention of returning any time soon. I'm putting them in school here and plan on sticking to my guns... He needs help... Bipolar disorder ruins in his family. Not sure if that is even pertinent, but it's a thought. I am considered to be diagnoised with depression, what my husband has become is evil. What you described above has been my life for years. I was the Queen of excuses... When this last incident occurred.. it was like a brick wall of reality slapped me or something. For the first time the blinders were off and the man I married physical stood before me , but wasn't him emotionally, mentally, no resoning with him, just me calming him down and taking the brunt of his anger. I usually did try too so the kids didn't have to deal with his anger. He never hurt the kids, but he would use screaming and intimidation. Mostly these terrible fits occurred when I wasn't home and he wanted me home so he would insist that the kids call/text me continusly while I was working. I have begun to clean houses to help bring money to house finances. That's another story.. I am scared as hell, I feel like I have the worst gut rock and could get sick at any moment. I'm also nervous because tomorrow, We will be going back to get important things and clothes. Don't know if he will be there, and how smoothly. He is supposed to be at work, but he has been known to quit a job because he wanted too. Everyone is against him in his eyes. My father is riding with me, but nobody is getting any younger. I just keep looking in the mirror and telling myself this is the best thing for my family at this moment. My 2 teenage kids have been wonderful and my daughter is actually looking at me in such a grateful look in her eyes, I realize I'm doing something right for them to be proud of me, but the guilt for making all of us survive like this. My oldest is my daughter..She is almost 16 and is my social bug. Leader in Youth group ,always a football game fan, Honor student..I think you get my point. She has gotten weepy a couple times, but hasn't handed me any problems. I feel guilty also for uprooting my kids. Thanks for letting me post

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your pain. I have been married 33 years also. Wow, all these men sound like my husband.