Warning:

This blog could potentially contain triggers. Please make sure you are emotionally safe before continuing.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

As I Write These Things

As I write these things I wonder if I am being silly.  Do I sound like a whiner?  Am I oversensitive and making a big deal out of everyday things?  Is this more of my over-analyzing, my over-thinking?

Part of me believes it is.  To me, these things really don't seem so terrible.  They actually seem kind of mundane.  I think that's because the things that happen in my own life seem to be less important.  My pain seems to be secondary to the pain of those around me.  I'm tough.  I can take it.  It's easier for me to experience the pain myself than to see others in pain.

No one has commented at all on these posts yet.  I understand if you need to think about them.  Sit with them.  Process these things you've learned.

But if someone could just comment to say that you've read them and you don't think I'm an idiot, that would help right now.  Because when I write these things I become that scared, insecure little girl again.

12 comments:

Heidi said...

I having been reading your posts on this blog as well as your on your other blog for quite some time now. I have found that you and I have a lot more in common than I ever would have expected. If you don't mind, I will continue to read your postings and I will continue to be inspired by your honesty and humor.

Heidi Grosland Fleischer (Ocean Grove, NJ)

Kazzy said...

I have read them all. I think you are brave and honest. The more I get to know these things about you, the more I realize how strangely important you have become to me. I say "strangely" because we have so little in common, yet we have shared enough to override that.

As kids we never really get how different our homes might be from people around us. We might have feelings that are different as we spend time with other people, but it isn't really until we set up our own families that we start to evaluate what we want, in opposition to what we had. Although we have done our best as parents, I fully expect my kids to establish their own expectations, etc.

Keep writing. I don't think you are idiot. I think you are a girl that is still healing.

Love you for real.

Margy said...

I think there is a lot of power in people telling their stories - I imagine you'll gain strength and insight as you write them, and your readers will gain strength and insight, too. So much pain in this world is a result of people thinking they are alone in their challenges. Just recently, I was able to tell someone I care deeply about that someone else we know struggles with the same thing he struggles with. His relief was palpable. And ever since he hasn't seemed to struggle as much (if at all, come to think of it!).

I appreciate your honesty and humor, too :)

Beth said...

We're here to support you. :) I don't have much else to say than that. Feel free to post whatever you feel. I can't say I know you particularly well, but I've always admired the way you've respected me and your family. I appreciate your words and I can't thank you enough for the many things you've taught me through them...

Bonnie said...

I haven't figured out how to get the feeds thing to send to my email, and for some reason for days it has been telling me in my feeds that there were 0 new posts. I just read them all this morning.

Your story is very familiar, though mine took some different twists. Your feelings are so normal, which in no way detracts from their intensity or uniqueness. But I'm blown away by your honest request for feedback, because I know that was probably one of the hardest things to put to words. You are an amazing woman.

I know women who have physically lost their voice after years of being silent. I lost the ability to sing soprano, and am now an adjusted tenor with a very small range. Talk. Don't lose your voice. Don't stop singing, even if you have to do so differently.

In medicine, inflammation is the body's reaction to healing. Many times, it's an overreaction to the original insult, and in the case of autoimmune disorders, it mistakes the innocent pollen or food for something like things that have been destructive in the past. I've found that we have to ride things out before we can figure out what is dangerous to us and what isn't. The atonement really is the best medicine, because it heals US, not the insult. It is how I moved past the fear and fear and fear in its thousand strange forms to be able to trust. I don't suffer from allergies anymore. Still fat though! I have faith that your headache will one day fade away as well.

I love you. I appreciate what you haul up from the depths of yourself to give to others. I appreciate that you say no. And I know that you will figure this out and it will all have meaning. You are surrounded by people from all backgrounds who are listening without judgment and ready to support in whatever way we can.

K and D Roylance said...

2 hugs

Dona said...

I like your template. It reminds me of Arizona. I know how that dirt would feel if I reached out and touched it or if I walked on it barefooted.
I read this blog and/or your other blog almost everyday. I do not comment because I don't know what to say. I do think about them. I do not think you are an idiot.I do think it would be hard to write about the things you are writing about...

Beccabambam said...

Hey Little Miss,
I've been following this and your other blog. You are an amazing writer! You are truly talented! And not an idiot! Everytime I read your blogs and I sit and think about them, think about what to post. Alas, everytime I realise that no matter what I post it would sound kinda stupid....therefore I dont post, afraid of sounding stupid in the comment...Anyway
Just always remember, you are amazing no matter what!

Edika said...

My dear friend, I am so grateful that you share, although I know how difficult it can be. I have often felt like an idiot for sharing too much, but I can't help it...that is who I am. I have dealt with the very same abuse in my first two marriages. I didn't recognize it in the first until he decided to end things. I think back to those times and feel like it was a movie that I watched about someone else...definitely not me. In my second marriage, I had my three children and I just wanted it to work. It didn't. I do still believe that I contributed to both of my marriages ending. With my children's dad, I have worked hard to have a good relationship with him after the marriage ended. I was determined to not have them experience a typical divorce with anger and hatred. We are now better off than we have ever been (with a lot of work, understanding and acting like grown-ups), but definitely with me in deciding how I deserved to be treated. This is the only relationship that has changed for the better. As I dated after these two failed marriages, I had two relationships in particular that could have ended up worse than I had ever experienced...I recognized how destructive they were to me and ended them. None of the abuse was physical except for one of the boyfriends holding me down so that I wouldn't leave him. I have experienced many other toxic relationships in my life with close friends and at people at work. I still end up in patterns that are not healthy for me. I am fortunate that I have a loving husband now, but there are many times that I don't feel that I deserve him. I apologize for this long comment, but I wanted you to know...I get it. You are much better with the words than I could ever be. I have been so truly grateful for your blogs. You are extremely amazing! Please continue to share. Love you, Edika

DarthBillgr said...

Well dear, I happen to like reading your blog. It helps me to be a better husband and father. It looks so different from this side of the story. Thanks for hanging in there with me and helping me see the light. You ROCK!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the posts. They really helped.

Anonymous said...

I read this with tears flowing down my cheeks just knowing that no one in my life would understand how deeply I have been affected and how I am constantly on edge. The good days make me feel like I'm just being over sensitive, but the reality is that I can do nothing in my life without worrying that it will anger him. That I've done it wrong. That there will be a lashing out. And as time goes on I am less and less me and more and more just a shell full of simple chatter. And I am scared that my kids will escape to something even worse.