Warning:

This blog could potentially contain triggers. Please make sure you are emotionally safe before continuing.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A Little More Info

Sorry for the delay in continuing my story.  This was harder than I thought.  I needed a little recovery time.

Please forgive me for my little moment of insecurity.  I have been called stupid and told I was wrong so many times, sometimes it's tough for me to trust my own judgment.  It's pretty hard not to buy into it when multiple people have told me this.

But I have grown.  I have had lots of therapy.  I have had validation.

And let me just say, unless you have been in a situation where the other person in your life tries to convince you that what you experienced is not what really happened, you have no idea how important validation can be.  A reality check.  Someone on the outside who can look at it and call it what it is.  I have been very blessed to find this.

I know I left a lot of unanswered questions.  There is so much more to this story.  There is so much more to my story.  It will take time.

I need to add a little info.  Please forgive me when I tell you that I probably won't give you all of it.  There are some things that happened that I just can't talk about yet.  Suffice it to say, when someone tells you a story like this you probably aren't getting all of it.  Such is the case with me.  I will be as honest as possible in what I tell you, but for now I must keep some things to myself.

A little more info on my husband.  Yes, he knows I'm writing this.  Yes, he claims to be okay with it.  I believe that he is right now.  When things get bad again he may not be.  We'll see.

I have to say when things get bad again.  It's not entirely over.  It is so much better.  He is not the person he used to be.  He's worked so hard to change.  But there are still ugly times.

He has more than moderate OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).  While all of those things you've seen in movies and on tv are true for some people, everyone with OCD has unique issues.

I suspected he had this when we got married, although I didn't really understand it.  Society was just beginning to talk about it.  I knew things bothered him, that he needed to have things a certain way.  And I tried to make them that way, thinking that's what a loving wife would do.  If you love someone don't you do what you can to make their life better?  When I did what he wanted he calmed down, he felt better.

I mention this because I believe the OCD is part of the story.  If something is lost he becomes obsessed with finding it.  Not in the way you're thinking.  Obsessed.  And the anger that results because he can't satiate this need is strong.

I had no idea how to respond.  I didn't know what to do.

A story to illustrate.

He sits down to watch a movie after the kids are in bed.  But he can't find the remotes.  He starts to look.  The longer he looks, the more his anxiety climbs.  He throws stuff around the room as he looks.  He wakes me up to ask if I know where they are.  I can tell he's angry so I get out of bed to look.  His voice gets louder and louder.  He asks who was watching the tv last.  I say I don't know, hoping to direct his anger away from one of the children.  While I am looking he goes to their rooms and wakes them up.  He yells at them to get in there and find the *#%&! remotes.  They are probably all under twelve-years old.  They are scared.  It's late, probably after eleven.  He makes them look for at least an hour.  I am looking.  They are looking.  He is yelling.  Eventually we find one that has slipped behind something.  He decides this will have to do for now, tells us that both remotes had better be there when he gets home from work the next day.  He sits down to watch his movie.  I try to get the kids back to sleep.  And then I go lie in bed crying, hoping I can get it all out before he comes to bed so that I don't get in trouble for crying.  He thinks I cry to manipulate him.  When he comes to bed and I am crying he ridicules me.  I go into the bathroom, crumple to the floor, and cry silently.  Again.  My heart is breaking.  Again.

The skills and coping mechanisms I developed as a child serve me well.

After he has had time to calm down, maybe the next day or maybe a few, he apologizes.  As he laughs about how stupid it was.  I had better accept immediately or he will be angry again.  Or he doesn't apologize and stays angry.  If he stays angry long enough I apologize.  I hate doing this.  Not because I don't like to be wrong but because I don't think I was wrong and I hate lying.  But if I apologize he thanks me for it and all is forgiven.  Things calm down and the kids and I feel safe again.

That is, until next time.

7 comments:

K and D Roylance said...

still here, still reading...hugs

Bonnie said...

You have a marvelous ability to provide balance in your telling ... to understand the motivations and limitations of others. It isn't required, this fairness, for your healing, but it's beautiful.

Kazzy said...

And to add to Bonnie's comments, you are not demonizing your husband as much as telling truths. That is oretty dang commendable. XO

Kisha said...

Validation is key. I think that is the first step to healing, to moving on. Your writing is beautiful, and I think you need to try to keep it up no matter what. Thinking of you, friend.

DarthBillgr said...

Hey, guess what? I am okay with you writing these things and I will always be okay with it. I remember this story and the hell I put everyone through. O.C.D. is my greatest enemy, thank heavens for therapy and a loving wife who sticks though it with me. Keep writing and don't worry about how I feel about it. This is your blog and if I feel that I am being painted in an unfair light, I'll comment but so far so good. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I have been thru that exact same scenario many times...

Anonymous said...

Sorry to spam but thanks for the posts. They really helped me and gave me loads of advice. Great writing too. Thanks so so much.