I have to constantly remind myself that's the goal. Progress, not perfection. Because, man, do I get frustrated when I find myself in familiar territory. Back in a place I hated that I worked hard to crawl out of.
I'm a mess right now. Lots of things getting me down, not the least of which is my health. I feel awful. Almost all day every day. The last week has been particularly bad. So much pain and dizziness and blurry vision. It's really hard to function.
I can't control that. I get it.
But I keep thinking that I should be able to control the other stuff, the emotional stuff. I've experienced it before and learned how to handle it. So why, when it comes back, do I have no clue what to do.
The thing that has been particularly troublesome lately is my sensitivity to the emotions of others. I knew I was off my game. Then I found myself in several situations in a short period of time where other people were upset. Intense negative emotions. Sometimes directed at me, sometimes not. Either way, I crumbled. I froze. I shut down. I withdrew from life.
I am in a place where I feel like I have to justify all my decisions again. As I state how I feel or what I want I am taking an emotional read on the people around me to make sure that what I say is okay with them. I hate that!
I am hiding from people because they might ask something of me that I don't want to give and I won't have a good enough answer. Any little bit of pushing with strong emotion can make me buckle under right now. I feel so vulnerable and weak. I hate that, too!
I hate that other people's emotions are ruling my life. I hate that I can't remember how I got past this last time.
The only thing I'm happy about in this situation is that I noticed. I guess that's progress. And that's what I'm working toward.
If you're wondering why I put this on this blog instead of my main one, let me tell you. It's about fear and self-protection. Honestly, too many people who know me read my main blog and I worry that there may be people who would take advantage of my current vulnerability if they knew.
