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Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Darkness

I have been doing well.  I have been up.  I have been happy.

I have no idea what happened.

Out of nowhere, the darkness hit.  Not with force.  It didn't slam me to the ground.  It came gently.  It coaxed.  It reminded me how good it feels.

I sensed it coming.  Like the feeling that there is a storm on the way before I even see the dark clouds.  A pressure in my body, an imbalance.

But I had other things on my mind.  I had obligations.  I had people to take care of.

So I denied it was real.  And I forgot about me.  Until it hit.

I know that I should choose the light.  I should want to get better.  But right now, I just don't.  I know lots of strategies to try.  People to talk to.  Ways to heal.

But it's so comfortable here, in the darkness.  Wrapped up all snugly in my warm blanket.  With only enough room for one.  Just for me.  No room for the world.

Sleep.  All I want to do is sleep.  But here it is after one in the morning and I'm not sleeping.

I want isolation.  I want quiet.  I want no one to need me or miss me.

I want to go back to being numb.


Kazzy said...

Oh, sad. I bet it's the subtlety that is so disarming, ironically. I hope you are better and brighter soon.

K and D Roylance said...

Even if it is for different reasons, I do understand these feelings. It is so hard to fight them, and often I don't even want to try....please just go away, don't ask how I am, don't talk. Gratefully, it hasn't lasted forever and someone seems to be bold enough to "gently" ignore my requests for isolation to let me know they are there when I'm ready.

Bonnie said...

I have often thought how like a narcotic this numbness is. Tantalizing. Falsely serene. Addiction. Is it a need to take time and heal, or is it the false security of inaction? The tough voice inside me insists on making me answer the question. I'm so glad we get to choose for ourselves. It would be so annoying for someone else to make that call. Whichever it is, I wish peace for you.

April said...

I have definitely felt that way before.

From Tracie said...

When it sneaks up on you....so slowly and sneakily like that, it is almost worse than being pushed to the ground.

There is light all around that darkness and it is warm too. I hope this comment is finding you embracing that light and allowing it to embrace you.


KellyGrrl said...

Stopping by from SITS Saturday Share Fest. You're blog is beautiful.

Katie Gates said...

Visiting from SITS. I appreciate the powerful, visceral tone of this post.

Libby said...

But missrobin... if you stopped I would miss you. I know this feeling too well. If you can, go and find those things that you know will make you well as hard as that may be. And if it helps, I need you. You are a bright spot in every post I write.

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh no.
I am sorry for this pain you are feeling.
You write of it so well.
Praying that you will find some light today.
Even just a glimmer.

Anonymous said...

I know that feeling all too well.
I feel so comfortable and safe that way sometimes. Hubs just doesn't understand.
(Stopping by from SITS)

Rachel C. said...

Hi MissRobin, been a while since I've visited your blog, but I'm always glad when I do, even though you're talking about the tough stuff. I think all of us can relate to a need to hermit ourselves a way for a while, as a means of rejuvenation and replenishing our energy after we've over-extended ourselves. Even when that over-extension is toward pursuits and people we love.

Anonymous said...

Hey, so great that one can finally find your blogs on your profile page...when I looked the last time they were not shown there. I always wanted to leave some comments on your blog...you're such a great 'commenter' on mine.

I know the feeling when the dark creeps up on you...it's the most horrible thing of all. At least I think it is because it's so...I don't know what's the right word...devious?