I have been doing well. I have been up. I have been happy.
I have no idea what happened.
Out of nowhere, the darkness hit. Not with force. It didn't slam me to the ground. It came gently. It coaxed. It reminded me how good it feels.
I sensed it coming. Like the feeling that there is a storm on the way before I even see the dark clouds. A pressure in my body, an imbalance.
But I had other things on my mind. I had obligations. I had people to take care of.
So I denied it was real. And I forgot about me. Until it hit.
I know that I should choose the light. I should want to get better. But right now, I just don't. I know lots of strategies to try. People to talk to. Ways to heal.
But it's so comfortable here, in the darkness. Wrapped up all snugly in my warm blanket. With only enough room for one. Just for me. No room for the world.
Sleep. All I want to do is sleep. But here it is after one in the morning and I'm not sleeping.
I want isolation. I want quiet. I want no one to need me or miss me.
I want to go back to being numb.