This blog could potentially contain triggers. Please make sure you are emotionally safe before continuing.

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Moment

This post contains possible triggers for self-injurious behavior.  Please do not continue unless you know you are safe.


It was a moment.  It passed.

The last post was something I would normally not write.  But if I am truly going to share what happens to me so that others will know they are not alone, that includes the scary moments.  Review is one thing -- in the midst of it is quite another.

The emotional pain hit me today.  Out of the blue.  And it slammed me hard.  Like a body slam to the ground with 300 pounds on top of me.  I sobbed and sobbed and had no idea why.

When it hits like that, it is terrifying.  It is overwhelming.  It feels like a demon is pulling me into hell.

Those are the moments when I want to hurt myself. 

Yes, I know that makes no sense.

But this is one of the coping mechanisms.  A way to feel something and numb the pain that is out of my control.

People who indulge in self-injurious behavior almost always have a history of sexual abuse.  I'm not saying that is where this pain is coming from; I don't know where it's coming from yet.

But self-injurious behavior has been a part of my life. 
*  I have scratched; it's like cutting, but instead of using a blade I used a broken plastic spoon and sawed into my arms or legs until I got through the skin.  I have many scars because of this.
*  I have burned myself; with a flame is harder than with a curling iron.  I've also grabbed a hot pot on purpose.  I have scars from this, too.
*  I have taken various sedatives; over the counter and prescription (mine or someone else's).

All of these things were done in an effort to make the intense, overwhelming pain go away.  They were NOT suicide attempts.  They were, in fact, a way to keep myself from taking that route.  When the pain won't stop, won't go away, won't lessen suicide starts to look appealing.  Anything to make the pain stop.

I don't know if I can describe the pain.  It's emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual all at once.  An attack on my entire being.

I have had lots of suicidal ideation (thoughts of suicide) since I was a teenager, even a few plans.  But the likelihood of me actually trying anything is very slim.  Because of my beliefs, my connection to my children, and just who I am.  It is not, however, non-existent.

I had the desire to hurt myself today, to make the pain go away.  But I didn't. 

I am communicating my feelings to my support system, which includes a couple of therapists.  I am talking about it, letting people know that I'm having a hard time.  Because that's the healthy thing to do.

I used to think it was healthy to handle everything on my own.  To hide my pain and my struggles and put on a happy face.  It's not.

We are meant to rely on each other and help each other.  And true mental health is being able to ask for help.

I feel better.  It's not gone, but it's back under control.  And many people are watching over me.


Enola said...

I understand. SI is something I've used to cope too. On the one hand it brings me out of the scary numb place. On the other hand it takes all of the out-of-control emotions and centers them into one emotion - fear. I hope you are able to work through this little by little with your support system.

Kimberly said...

Healthy. Oh yes, so much more healthy this way. I get this, in such a very real way. I use food instead of pain, but I know that feeling that I'm being squeezed so hard I might just burst. The weight of it, and the sobbing...oh yes. I'm slowly learning what my triggers are. Chaos, sugar, too much noise, etc...There really is a spiritual element to it too, isn't there? And I tell myself, if the adversary is pressing against me that hard, how amazing must I have the potential to be? He wouldn't bother if I didn't.

Bonnie said...

Interesting. Yesterday was my meltdown day as well. Did you notice how oppressive the weather was? I have a theory about that. Sobbing works wonders for me, but then, that's because it wasn't acceptable to cry as a child, so that's my go-to fix. Glad you're working through it. I'm better today too!

Kazzy said...

I am sorry you have felt so bad. That stinks. I send hugs.