I really don't know what else to call it. It's what happens when I am overflowing with emotions and I feel like they are going to consume me, devour me, if I don't get them out. That's where I am right now.
I've considered some of the coping mechanisms from my past: scratching a few deep lines into my arms, burning myself with the curling iron, taking something with a sedative effect (an extra Xanax maybe), as well as others I'm still not ready to talk about.
If I were a drinker, I would go out and get plastered. That sounds pretty good right now. Anything to stop feeling what I'm feeling now.
But I will try to do it in a healthy way. I will face and process the pain, even while wanting to slam the laptop on my own fingers. I will write.
It hurts so bad. My heart. It feels like a black hole, sucking and gaping. Aching. Empty. But still so much pain.
I feel so unwanted. So rejected. So unvalued. Like I mean nothing. Like I am only good for serving others. Like if I can't do what they want then I am a waste of skin. Like I am selfish for wanting anything. Like I don't matter.
I feel like I am standing in the middle of a high school gym full of people and they are all laughing at me. Pointing and laughing. Calling me names. You're stupid. You're wrong. Why are you here? No one wants you here. No one likes you. You are ugly. You are worthless. You don't belong here. You are weak. You are lazy and good for nothing. We will use you, take what we want, and throw you back into the trash where you belong.
Look at you sitting there, crying like a big baby. You're so thin-skinned. You make such a big deal out of everything. It's not all about you, you know? Suck it up like the rest of us. We have problems, too, and you don't see us whining. We don't want to hear about your silly little problems. You're world isn't ending so quit being so dramatic.
Pull your self together. You're such an idiot. Sometimes life is hard; get used to it. Deal with it.
You're not worth my time. Get out of my face -- you make me sick.
Author's note (the next day): Writing it out helped. I am feeling stronger emotionally today. I am feeling less vulnerable. I am not going to hurt myself. I am okay.