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Friday, November 26, 2010

Emotional Vomiting

I really don't know what else to call it.  It's what happens when I am overflowing with emotions and I feel like they are going to consume me, devour me, if I don't get them out.  That's where I am right now.

I've considered some of the coping mechanisms from my past:  scratching a few deep lines into my arms, burning myself with the curling iron, taking something with a sedative effect (an extra Xanax maybe), as well as others I'm still not ready to talk about.

If I were a drinker, I would go out and get plastered.  That sounds pretty good right now.  Anything to stop feeling what I'm feeling now.

But I will try to do it in a healthy way.  I will face and process the pain, even while wanting to slam the laptop on my own fingers.  I will write.

It hurts so bad.  My heart.  It feels like a black hole, sucking and gaping.  Aching.  Empty.  But still so much pain.

I feel so unwanted.  So rejected.  So unvalued.  Like I mean nothing.  Like I am only good for serving others.  Like if I can't do what they want then I am a waste of skin.  Like I am selfish for wanting anything.  Like I don't matter.

I feel like I am standing in the middle of a high school gym full of people and they are all laughing at me.  Pointing and laughing.  Calling me names.  You're stupid.  You're wrong.  Why are you here?  No one wants you here.  No one likes you.  You are ugly.  You are worthless.  You don't belong here.  You are weak.  You are lazy and good for nothing.  We will use you, take what we want, and throw you back into the trash where you belong.

Look at you sitting there, crying like a big baby.  You're so thin-skinned.  You make such a big deal out of everything.  It's not all about you, you know?  Suck it up like the rest of us.  We have problems, too, and you don't see us whining.  We don't want to hear about your silly little problems.  You're world isn't ending so quit being so dramatic.

Pull your self together.  You're such an idiot.  Sometimes life is hard; get used to it.  Deal with it.

You're not worth my time.  Get out of my face -- you make me sick.

Author's note (the next day):  Writing it out helped.  I am feeling stronger emotionally today.  I am feeling less vulnerable.  I am not going to hurt myself.  I am okay.


Patricia Singleton said...

Miss Robin, I can feel your pain. I know how it feels to hear all of those things being said by others and by the voice in your head. I am glad that writing is a healthy tool for you as it is for me.

Now that you can see it all written down, can you tell yourself than none of it is true? You do have value in this world. You deserve the best from life. You deserve to love and be loved. You do not deserve to be used and mistreated. You do not deserve to be abused by anyone. You do not have to hurt yourself or to let others hurt you. You are a survivor and you can learn to be a thriver.

Angel said...

Ouch. Safe hugs to you if they are wanted.

Anonymous said...

I was happy to read your update at the end that you felt better the next day...

When I read your post I could completely relate - and I loved your term "Emotional Vomiting"... that's a perfect description for that feeling!! I always get so frustrated at trying to express how I feel... what that emotion feels like...

Hope things are better today...


Pastor Sharon said...

This blog is something that I am forever grateful to have found.

It is causing me to face the dragons that I have tried to slay a thousand times.

Let me say this to you, as a survivor and as one who has learned to open my heart even in hell, I am sending you a great big, SAFE hug.
You are so loveable.
You do matter.
You make such an incredible difference in this world.


Jenn Erickson said...

Miss Robin, it shows a lot of strength and courage to share your feelings this way. You're wise to vent -- to let it all out, and share it with a community of people who care. I was happy to see your "Author's Note" that you were feeling stronger emotionally after writing the post. I hope you'll continue to express yourself, own your feelings, and grow stronger day by day. You are certainly no idiot, not stupid, and not ugly. You are undoubtedly loved, beautiful, wanted and worthwhile, and I hope that with each day that passes, these positive feelings will begin to overtake the negative ones. Jenn

LisaDay said...

Writing always makes me feel better, too. However, you need to also write all that is wonderful about you or you'll start believing those words.

Thanks for popping by today.


Linda said...

I have felt what you say here far too many times, but have never written it down. Thank you for sharing this so much. It makes me see others have the same pain and I am not alone. There is something to knowing someone else understands and has felt the same way. I am also so glad to read you are feeling better and stronger. Take care!